Category: Podcast

Podcast about SEO and social media marketing topics, hosted by Mark Aaron Murnahan.

DIY Marketing: Who is Huffing Detergent at Ichabod LaundraBar?

Ichabod Laundry Marketing Hair and Drool
Ichabod Laundry Marketing Hair and Drool

I don’t mind do-it-yourself (DIY) marketing efforts when the do-it-yourselfer is earnestly trying to make an impact. I sincerely try to help them with good tips and ideas. Let’s face it, though, it is easy to laugh at the majority of novice marketing efforts.

I can drone on about terrible marketing, but so much of it has already been said. I mean, I already tried to warn people with “7 Reasons Your Marketing Sucks“, and there are many really useful articles in my blog archive.

For some people, there is simply little future of a marketing career. Reading about it, talking about it, Facebooking about it, tweeting about it, and trying their very best will simply reflect the long-standing rules of survival of the fittest.

These are the creators of marketing efforts that make room for a new spot on Darwin’s evolutionary chart. You can call me a jerk for pointing them out, but pointing out weakness and explaining a better way ultimately serves a greater purpose. Besides just that, the marketing hall of shame is often good for a laugh. I find a lot of laughable examples online, and I will share some of them again, in case you missed these earlier articles. Each of them make good points about bad marketing.

Today, I submit Ichabod LaundraBar.

I respect the value of polarizing an audience and not trying to make everybody happy, but apparently some people think it means to just randomly turn away business without forethought or purpose.

Enter a Dog Infested “Ichabod LaundraBar”

What do you picture when you think about your laundry? Maybe a summer breeze blowing as your clothes hang on the line at the edge of a grassy meadow? Maybe nicely folded fluffy towels dropping one upon another in a perfectly lit studio re-enactment of your laundry day bliss? I guess some laundry detergent corporations try to promote that, but let’s use some brain cells, and let’s begin today!

Those paint a beautiful picture, but can you imagine all of those nasty bugs you will find in your pockets and the airborne dirt and pollen making your shirts look like crap? As for the glamor of those fluffy towels, if that looks so compelling, I welcome you to come and fold my laundry.

Let me tell you, we have a laundry company in my town that can take those bugs and airborne filth to a whole new level! They can make the vision of clean and fluffy towels and turn them into sour and musty rags that you found crumpled up behind a washing machine.

Branding Tip: Public Does Not See it Like You Do!

Really? Can the marketing of a company truly make that significant of a difference in consumer impression? Yes, my friends, it can … and it hit me with a nasty whiff of mildew and dog poo just moments ago when I witnessed the profile photo of a laundry bar Facebook Page that I would describe as a really nasty looking mouth-breathing hell hound.

Let me skip back a step. Have you heard of a laundry bar? It is the kind of place where college students can mingle in their worst laundry day attire, but they don’t mind, because they can also buy a cheap beer! I am sure that some of us who were around before the laundry bar concept can remember setting aside a cool pair of acid washed jeans and a nice Guess shirt before heading off for our laundry day humility, but there is no need for that today. At a laundry bar, the otherwise scrutinizing eyes of those sexy people around you will be blurred with suds of another sort. Beer!

What I just cannot wrap my mind around is how a dog logically fits into that picture. If it requires a story of how that dog safely landed an airliner full of laundry executives and saved hundreds of lives after the pilot died from ring around the collar, just to understand it, then it is not good branding.

Would You Market a Laundry Bar Like This?

In my opinion, they should be running some A/B comparison testing across various demographics between items such as follows:

A.) “Laundry Sucks: You may as well have a beer and shoot some pool.”

B.) “Hot Guys Do Laundry: This is where the ladies come to watch them do it!”

Then they could measure which ad achieved the greater response rate, and among which test demographic. Then they could begin to build a customer model to help guide their other marketing efforts more efficiently. No, that probably sounds too scientifickey and complex. That kind of thing is surely only useful for big Fortune 500 companies, right? That is not for this company, so they roll with the ghetto dog theme, instead.

I’m talking about a laundry bar. Better yet, a laundry bar across the street from a university. There is surely a better way to reach potential customers!

Finding your way in marketing and knowing how to rally the customers takes more than a quick moment at the computer. It should involve a lot of steps, including data collection, forecasting, psychographic modeling, and a lot more. The best results come with big portions of marketing talent and creativity.

Maybe they think their best target demographic places little value on cleanliness, or is at least very relaxed about it. Maybe they just didn’t think about it at all. As long as that is the case, they will probably do better to stick with the party crowd, and de-emphasize promoting their full-service laundry.

Ichabod LaundraBar Marketing Department Brilliance

This brings me to a point of how DIY marketing can take a huge fundamental turn toward failure. Many companies will see themselves in a totally blurred way. They think they know how others view their brand, but they screw it all up in their creatively destructive ways. In this case, it is a traditionally sacred space of college students … a laundry bar. They are pushing for a broadened market that has some money to spend. So, they seek busy people like me to drop off my clothes to be laundered, and then pick them up later. That is great, but we have about a squillion places in town that offer laundry services. This is the only one that gives me the strong impression that my laundry may come back with more filth than when I dropped it off.

Ichabod LaundraBar Wants to Wash Your Clothes ... Woof!
Ichabod LaundraBar Wants to Wash Your Clothes ... Woof!

I may be the minority here. I have not done the market research for this company, and I don’t know them at all. I am just an outside observer, just like anybody else who encounters them. However, it seems pretty clear to me that a smiling bartender serving a box of detergent and a mug of beer is a whole lot more appealing than promoting clean laundry with a hairy, drooling, mouth-breathing hell hound. To me, that is extremely repulsive, regardless of how cuddly, loving, sweet smelling, clean, and obedient that dog is … it is a DOG! Even to dog lovers, it still surely feels a lot less clean than their own dog’s slobber, hair, dander, and poo.

In my opinion, putting a big hairy slobbering dog on a Facebook Page promoting clean laundry makes about as much sense as a Doberman having a love affair with a Chihuahua. It not only paints a picture of absurdity, it cannot be a very productive relationship.

A Better Approach to Facebook Marketing
I wrote a nice four step plan for Facebook marketing. It covered the steps of creating a Facebook Page, customer modeling, promoting, and growing awesomeness. It does not include random placement of dog photos. Here you go:

Facebook Marketing: Pages, Customer Modeling, Promoting, and Awesomeness

Effective DIY Marketing Requires Thinking Before Doing!

Why do companies still try to do their own marketing without at least thinking before they click? I may never understand it, but I welcome even the worst marketers to subscribe and learn, before they end up with people who are not as nice as me to explain things. People may call me a bastard, a jerk, a prick, or an ass for pointing things out this way. What they will likely never notice is that my saying it is a whole lot kinder than the way others point it out. They don’t say a word about it, and they simply take their money somewhere else. In this case, somewhere more hygienic.

People who believe that simply putting their company name on Facebook is a good idea, without any marketing strategy that is defined beyond “tell more people” or “make more money” are exactly why I very seldom work with small companies. Far too many small companies are doomed to remain small, simply because they are too impatient, apathetic, or their thinking is otherwise crippled.

OK, dog lovers … go ahead and tell me how brilliant it is and why you think the dog is so damn adorable. Your comments are welcome.

UPDATE: I heard form the owner of Ichabod LaundraBar and had a nice chat. She let me know that the dog is not a resident of the laundry bar, but just a mascot.

I wish them the best, and I hope they will feel free to reach out for some free ideas anytime.

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11 Humorous Answers to Dumb Google Searches

Google Search: How to Spell Duh
Google Search: How to Spell Duh

You may wonder how I will make this turn out to be both useful and humorous, but have a little faith, my Google searching friend. This is a list of my answers to some the dumbest Google searches I recently found in my server logs. Before I cut straight to my list of absurdities, allow me just a moment to set the stage.

I love SEO. There, I said it! I really do love my work, although it is usually much more fun to do it than to explain it to people. I am the first to suspect that, as I have often said, “When I Go to Hell, They Will Have Me Selling SEO“. Yes, fun to do it, but tortuous to explain it.

One of the reasons I love SEO so much is the great humor and insights to the human mind that it offers. This is also one of the reasons you may sometimes find me to be condescending and uppity, because there are truly some dumb people out there. Yes, saying that makes me a jerk, but actually more of a “PECKER” (Reference: “New SEO Acronym to Replace SEO by 2012“).

It takes all types to make a species, but wow … just “Wow!” I am a fan of people, but sometimes I have to feel just a little tinge of embarrassment for the floaters in our genetic pool.

The term “SEO”, for the uninitiated, is an acronym for “search engine optimization”, and as a practitioner in the field, it means that I can generally rank at the top of the list for damn near anything I choose. That is why companies pay me to provide this service for them. Yeah, can you believe it? Being ranked at the top of search results is actually worth paying for. That is totally crazy, I know!

Don’t hate me for it, because it comes with a touch of insanity, and a good dose of time. Like well over a decade of practice and studying SEO to know what works.

A good amount of this particular achievement comes down to having a squillion website links pointing to my blog from other websites, and having just a touch of Murnahan wit and charm. OK, you can call it “BS”, or whatever you like, but let’s face it, some websites will rank well in search engines, and some will never be indexed for popular searches. This one ranks particularly well, which comes with a great potential for humor.

I previously wrote about the downside of being obsessed with statistics and over-monitoring of user data, but it is also very important to know how people are finding a website. It tells us what we need to know, and how to make things even better. When you dig really deep, it can sometimes make hot coffee shoot uncontrollably from your nose as you laugh. This is especially the case when you try to picture what in the world those people were actually hoping to find in their online search.

NOTE: Although I am a huge proponent of targeting a market based on specific propensity of readers to become a customer or to refer business. Targeting is why I write things to attract specific searches from specific people. For example, I wrote about NASCAR start and park teams to reach the racing community, while offering good marketing thoughts.

With the good comes the bad, and sometimes it all goes wonky. If you rank well for the useful search terms, always it comes with unexpected absurdities. Although some of these may not seem so humorous on the surface, if you squint and look closely, there is something just a bit funny going on here.

Each of these searches have come in many variations of the search, and each is an actual verbatim quote taken from the top 5,000 searches in my website analytics within the past 30 days (typographical errors and all).

  • Dumb Google Search One: “icecream for sore bum“

    OK, I hate to drop this little peach so early, but this one does set a certain tone. This is an actual search that has been repeated in many various forms, including some that were probably typed urgently like “what;s good for hemorrhoids” (Twitter, of course!). It leads users to an article that asks “Is Twitter Good for SEO?“. The article may actually be useful, but I didn’t write this one for bums. If your butt hurts, I really don’t have a lot for you, but dozens of people seem to think that ice cream may help.

  • Dumb Google Search Two: “can your testicals reconnect them selves“

    I can forgive this fella for misspelling testicles, and for not realizing that “themselves” is actually just one word. This came from a Korean speaking individual in Burke, Virginia, USA. What I picture is a really frustrated little Korean guy sitting cross-legged at his computer screaming at his lover and murmuring “You betteh be right woman, oh I keow you!”

    I actually took a screen capture of this one when it happened. My guess is that he did not want to call 9-1-1, just in case he actually ended up killing somebody. I hope that poor guy is alright! I also hope he does not come for my testicles for wasting his precious moment with my article titled “SEO, Social Media, and Marketing Balls“. In my defense, I did not use the word “testicles” in the article, even once, and there was no medical advice.

  • Dumb Google Search Three: “best hookers“

    I suppose I kind of asked for this one when I titled an article “Hookers Write the Best Blogs“. What I didn’t realize at the time was just how many people would be performing Google image searches for pictures of hookers. I searched it one time, just to see what they were seeing. A few transsexual hookers and other creepy images later, I washed my eyes out with Listerine and vowed to never do that again!

  • Dumb Google Search Four: “buy termites online“

    Who knew that termites were so in-demand? I see a lot of variations for the query of where to buy termites. Although I am sure a number of these are people seeking to study termites in their laboratory, it makes me wonder how many angry ex-husbands are dumping these voracious little monsters around the foundations of their former homes. For those looking for termites, I offer this article titled “Things You Cannot Sell Online“. Termites are not one of those things, and it is highly unlikely that what you sell is on the list, too!

  • Dumb Google Search Five: “blog trolls“

    I wonder what they want with a blog troll. Yeah, I am sure that some people are just looking for a picture of a blog troll, but nobody I know has actually ever seen one. They sneak around in the shadows of the Internet. Here is what I had to say about them: A Few Words About Blog Trolls and Lurkers.

  • Dumb Google Search Six: “cheap sutures“

    This one is really dumb for a couple reasons. Sutures are those things they use to stitch people up after surgery. They generally come at an extremely high cost to we consumers. I guess maybe there is not enough markup in the medical field, so they have to find their sutures cheap so they can earn an extra four dollars on a $40,000 surgery.

    The other reason this one cracks me up is that I was once contracted to place a client at the top of searches for cheap sutures. They still owe me many tens of thousands of dollars, but then, that is why I now hold five of the top ten search results for their company name, “Suture Express“, along with their coveted “cheap sutures” and the names of each of their executives. Oops! 😉

  • Dumb Google Search Seven: “what happens if i set up a facebook page and dont use it?“

    This one should be simple. What else could a person logically expect would happen? Your computer will be infected with a virus that causes it to explode into a squillion pieces. I would not suggest this, especially with a laptop, but if it happens to you, just Google me when you need those testicles reconnected.

    In case you need to know more about Facebook or their computer-exploding virus, here is more information on the topic.

  • Dumb Google Search Eight: “SEO meta tags“

    This one is actually a very popular search, and it blows my mind. I mean, seriously, just look at the source code on any one of my blog’s pages if you need a mental re-adjustment on the topic of SEO tips. I would like to give you a quote from the article these search patrons find:

    “As long as there are people who ask “do meta tags help with SEO” there will be plenty of people to con them out of their money.”

    I hope you are not searching for information about meta tags. If so, you really should stick around and read some more.

  • Dumb Google Search Nine: “what to do when your too good at your job“

    My answer would perhaps be to quit the job and seek something better. Please just don’t make it a writing career until you at least learn the difference between your and you’re. Sure, maybe this is no big deal, but if “your too good at your job”, you’re probably going to need a better resume writer.

    This search landed the user on an article titled “Are You Too Good at Your Job?“, but what I think they really needed was to learn about Cousin Prolly in the article titled “Grammatical Reasons They’re Taking Their Business Over There”

    Another idea for being too good at your job is to give it all up and become an SEO and social media expert. That seems to be mighty damn popular (in searches, too)!

  • Dumb Google Search Ten: “things people find“

    My first thought here is “huh?” I am not so sure why, but a lot of searches just don’t make any sense to me at all. Apparently a limited few people are trying to find things people find. What they actually find is an article titled “Crazy Things People Search For” which addresses the ways people use search engines. It kind of goes well with this piece, so you may enjoy it.

  • Dumb Google Search Eleven: “how much does seo cost“

    This one actually comes with a whole lot of related searches that are equally as ridiculous. Some of those are social media rates, seo hourly rate, how much does it cost for SEO, social media marketing cost, how much will a social media strategy cost, and literally thousands more.

    What these searchers are obviously completely terrified and confused about is that there is a vast difference from one SEO to another. Asking the cost without knowing what to expect or understanding that it is not about cost, but rather increased profit, is about as wasteful and dumb as any question ever asked.

    Have you seen the Grand Canyon? I would like to submit that the difference in good SEO and bad SEO makes that thing look like a crack in a sidewalk.

My Dumb Summary of Dumb Google Searches

I guess eleven is enough for now. I gave you a whole lot of truly useful links dispersed throughout this article. In fact, probably enough that if you sit there and read them all at once, it will make your bum hurt. So, please bookmark this page, get yourself some ice cream to sit in, come back, and take some time checking them out.

Also, please add your comments and tell me how you arrived here. If you are that poor Korean fella represented in this image, I’d love to know how things turned out.

If you are not that Korean guy, be sure you subscribe, because I’ve got a whole lot more where this came from!

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NASCAR Start and Park Sponsorship is Marketing Absurdity

NASCAR Start and Park Disappointment
NASCAR Start and Park Disappointment


If you are a NASCAR fan, the term “start and park” is something you have probably heard a time or two. It has become a point of contention between many fans, teams, and NASCAR itself, but I am not here to judge. I am here to point out the challenges of marketing a NASCAR team, and particularly one that is frequently criticized for this practice.

I had a dinner meeting with the owner of a NASCAR race team last night. He is in the hunt for sponsorships, so it was right up my alley. I was very excited about the meeting, because beyond being a lifetime gearhead, I am also a highly trained driver, I have owned a race team, and I have sponsored multiple race teams. I could help him to get those sponsorships, and this is the kind of work I would take on for free. Well, except that I still have a family of five to support, and that it is hard to work for free when others wave their money in my face.

The meeting reminded me, once again, how very misinformed a lot of people are about marketing, social media, SEO, public relations, reputation management, and other online communications. You know, the kinds of communication that remove roadblocks and make something popular. It also reminded me why I once wrote an article titled “When I Go to Hell, They Will Have Me Selling SEO“. It really made it clear to me that, although I rank number one in search engines for “sell seo”, being good at online marketing and having the patience to explain it to people are two entirely different skill sets.

I have basically come to the conclusion that people will either “get it”, or they won’t. They either see the value in building a brand and giving people reasons to love their brand, or they don’t. They may even say that they want to understand this whole Internet thing beyond Twitter being for telling people what you had for lunch and Facebook being a place to swap stories with high school friends. The reality is that beyond all the education I try to give them, what they really need is confidence in their own business. So, let’s look at this NASCAR dilemma for a moment.

What makes NASCAR racing possible? I mean, in a single word, what is the thing that makes it happen? Is it the gasoline, the cars, the drivers, the adrenaline, the passion for the sport of auto racing? Sure, NASCAR needs those things, but what ultimately gets those cars around the race tracks?

A lot of people would say that it comes down to the money, and that is true, but that is still not the word I’m looking for. Sponsorship money is important. Without a sponsor to pay hundreds of thousands of dollars per race, per car, many teams change careers to become professional parking teams instead of racing teams.

How Big is NASCAR Big?

To understand the importance of marketing in NASCAR, I think you have to look at how much money is involved. If you want to be competitive in NASCAR Sprint Cup Series, don’t plan on starting a team unless you’ve got twenty million to invest (yes, $20,000,000). The car may just be a measly hundred thousand, but if you want it to go fast, you can expect to spend three to four million per season for your engine lease program. You will need about fifteen sets of four tires per week, and of course, some skilled people to put those tires on a car. You will need to guarantee your driver at least a few hundred thousand (actually a million and up is more like it) plus 30 percent of your take. You will need your driver and crew to have NASCAR licenses, so you will drop anywhere from fifty thousand to a quarter million, depending on how big your staff is. Each of those crew will probably need to eat, so you will need to pay them. If you want good ones, you will need to pay them very well, so plan on about $5,000,000 in personnel cost. You will need to buy a lot of race fuel, a garage, some trucks, and be ready to pay $100,000 fine from NASCAR and have your car taken away if your fender is one sixteenth of an inch too high. You get the idea, right? It is expensive.

That sponsorship money is big … really big! Teams are paid anywhere from a hundred thousand dollars, on up to $850,000 for a single race. So, what are those sponsors getting out of the deal? That is the big multi-million dollar question. Just consider how silly it sounds to drop a half million dollars for a few stickers on a car. Well, that actually would be really silly, but it is not just about those stickers. It takes a whole lot more than that if it is to make good business sense for the sponsors. After all, just imagine how many targeted ad impressions a half million dollars will buy using Google or Facebook ads, or hiring a guy like me to handle their online marketing.

Most business people who can afford a seven to eight digit multi-race contract can also do the math and realize that their brand will not get their money’s worth from those people watching from the stands. They will not get their money’s worth if they end up on television for a few laps. They get their money’s worth when the team takes on the responsibility of marketing that brand far beyond the race track. That means it is the sponsored team’s job to do what it takes to improve the sponsor’s return on investment in every possible way.

Teams that do a good job for their sponsors will go to great lengths to put the sponsors’ names in front of the public. Many teams will spend easily over $175,000 per year to tour the USA with a show car. You’ve seen them at car dealerships, grocery stores, state fairs, and other events. It costs a lot of money to haul those cars around and pay a staff to shake hands and answer questions. They will also do more than just keep their fingers crossed and rub a lamp while hoping to be interviewed by the media. They make it happen!

The amazing thing I found is that very few of them take the Internet seriously, or they are otherwise doing a poor job of it. They don’t realize the powerful connections available for media exposure, or the ways the Internet works into, or even supersedes the value of a flash-in-the-pan moment on television. At least that is the way it appears to me, and I’ve done a little checking on this.

The Tone of NASCAR on the Internet

You can find an amazing amount of chatter on the Internet about NASCAR, if you’re looking. It should not be surprising that a lot of it is centered around arguments. Arguments about NASCAR rule changes, who did what, who is the best driver, who caused that big crash, and other rather heated discussions.

You will generally find a lot fewer stories of the good things teams are doing. Bad news travels faster than good news. Without a fair dose of good news, it is really easy for a team to either disappear, or become disliked.

One of the things many NASCAR fans really dislike are the “start and park” race teams. What is a “start and park” team, you may ask? Those are the teams that go out to the race track each week for qualifying, but once they qualify to be in the big race, they run a minimal number of laps and then make an excuse to drop out of the race early.

Why would they do that “start and park” thing? It is really easy … they get paid for it … a lot! If the car qualifies for enough races, runs the minimal laps, and finishes the season with enough points to be in last place, they still get millions of dollars in purse money. The problem is that a whole lot of people hate this kind of “racing”, because there is very little competition in it. It is for the money, and not for the sport.

The driver will radio in to the crew chief to say the car is not working right. They may say it has a strange engine noise, or a vibration. Although the drivers usually want to strangle somebody for this, they will need a good excuse. Although the NASCAR organization tries to sweep this start and park phenomenon under the rug, they don’t like it. They say it is not a problem within their organization, but they also seem far more likely to discover reasons to fine teams like this an extra $25,000 from the crew chief and $25,000 from the owner for something silly like “unapproved door braces” (true story).

When a NASCAR Sprint Cup Series team gets tagged as a “start and park” team, it is really hard to change the fans perception of them. That makes it ever harder to receive a decent sponsor. After all, who wants to put their company name and a bunch of dollars on a non-racing team that fans disrespect? Although a lot of teams would never admit that this is a cause to reorganize their company and actually change their team name, it definitely happens.

This brings me back to that word I was looking for earlier, about what makes NASCAR all possible. That word is “fans”! Without fans, it is a whole lot harder to get sponsors, and harder to compete in full races. A problem that I found is that some people will get this backward and think they will get more fans after they find a good sponsor and have a chance to be competitive. The problem becomes a discussion of what came first, the chicken or the egg.

There is a really huge difference in the profit margins of teams that compete, and teams that park after twenty laps. In between the profitable comfort zone of parking the car early to avoid wear and tear, crashes, tires, fuel, and etcetera, and actually becoming a competitive race team, there is a big gap. The gap has risks involved. You can lose a whole lot of profit by staying in the race until the checkered flag is waved. If you make it across that gap, there are many, many, many millions of dollars up for grabs.

How Would You Seek a NASCAR Sponsorship?

If a team really wanted my corporate sponsorship, they will already be doing the things that build a fan base. Even if they don’t have the highest number of fans just yet, they had better show me that they are worthy and capable of building a loyal fan base. Don’t tell me that the team will be popular after I sponsor them … they need to be popular and do popular things to give me a reason. After all, it is their job to bring fans to my company, and not my company’s job to bring them fans.

If a team holds a lot of promise of building brand recognition for my corporate sponsorship dollars, we will work in synergy. That means we will both build their fan base by working together with a common strategy. If they are just trying to sell me on how good they could be, while their reputation is being castrated online, I am out the door!

Not so unlike becoming a rock and roll music legend, it would be ridiculous to ask for a recording contract based on musical talent alone. If you want the contract, you had better have some marketing talent and a fan base. Otherwise, it brings up the vitally important question: “If you are so talented, why don’t you have fans waiting in line to buy your music?”

NASCAR Thinking Summarized

Something struck me as both silly and sad when I parted ways with that NASCAR team owner last night. He said, “Well, Mark, you think about all of this and let me know how you can help us.”

Building and implementing a strategy to entice millions of dollars from sponsors is not a one-race fix, and it won’t come easy. I don’t need to think about it … I already wanted to help him. I suppose he wanted more specifics, but all I can offer for free is a taste. The strategy buffet requires an investment.

What I perhaps didn’t quite make clear enough is that “thinking about how I can help them” is approximately 80 percent of what I am paid to do. My job is not to lift heavy objects, or even to type on this keyboard. My job is to think about how I will help them, and make it happen. My job is to do the research, model the audience, define a creative strategy, and then see that plan through to perfection.

I could think about it a whole lot for free, but until he has enough faith in that race team to engage my services and put my thinking to good use, I am unable to help. I think the better parting question would be “How can I stop wasting the racing season and start getting sponsorships.”

If you are one of those race team owners or management wondering “How can I attract more sponsors for my NASCAR team?” I’ll give you a really simple tip. Pick up the phone and call me at *REDACTED DUE TO AGING WEBSITE*.

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A Facebook Birthday Wish for My Dear Friend

Your Facebook Birthday Cake
Your Facebook Birthday Cake


So you are getting older, and you decided to let all of your Facebook friends, strangers, and stalkers know about it. You showed up in my Facebook birthday notifications, and I was faced with the recurring dilemma of whether to join the mob who was blasting your wall with flimsy and predictable wishes like “Happy Birthday!!!!!!111” or to just ignore it so my other friends don’t get their little Facebookey feelings hurt because I blew off their birthday last week … while I was doing something more fun than they were.

I started to think of how to wish you a very personal happy birthday on Facebook, but then my creativity was just not there. When I sat down to start your birthday wish, it got a little too rhymey and cutesey with the luck, the duck, and the way I describe a person of your age. Besides, I noticed that your friends seem to be a lot more wholesome than you are. They would probably look at you totally differently if I whipped out one of your old birthday pics, like the one with the g-string incident and beer can pyramid.

Oh, Am I Late? I Didn’t Forget Your Birthday … I Skipped It!

I was never so good at remembering birthdays in my head. My mother is awesome at that, but it didn’t pass down to me in the genetics. She also uses up a bunch of paper by sending old fashioned birthday cards, yeah, mother is crazy, I know!

Thank goodness for technology. I was able to export my Facebook birthdays to my Google Calendar, so your birthday showed up in my home screen calendar widget on my Android phone. It is really cool that you can export Facebook birthdays, but it makes me even more of a jerk for ignoring all of those other birthdays.

The thing is, I could come up with about a squillion good excuses that I didn’t send you a birthday card, write something personal on your Facebook Wall, or at least click “Like” on somebody else’s meaningful birthday wish. The truth is that I just skipped it.

I really like you and all, but you share the same birthday as Prakeesh in India and Hal from Pennsylvania, and since I don’t actually know Prakeesh and Hal, I didn’t want to rock the boat by devoting my moment of birthday wishing to only you. You cannot really hate me for that, can you? I mean, I was just trying to be considerate of others’ feelings.

In order to try and make good on a losing dilemma, I decided to try and give you what you really wanted from your Facebook friends all along. So here it is … a cute kitten, a pound of bacon, a hunky guy, a hot chick, an adorable baby, and a birthday cake. If that is not enough, here is an extra bonus unicorn for you.

Facebook Birthday Wishes for My Dear Friend
Facebook Birthday Wishes for My Dear Friend

I would have sent you some kind of foofy and frilly junk from Farmville, but all I found on my plot of land was a bunch of withered corn and chicken corpses.

Whether you are happy because you are a year closer to legal drinking age (damn you for being so young), or upset because your adult diaper is now a regular part of your “birthday suit” (damn you for being so experienced), I hope this will make you happy, while appeasing all of those disgruntled Facebook friends I have ignored.

Did You Skip a Facebook Birthday, Too?

If you have a Facebook friend that you feel bad for neglecting, I welcome you to share this birthday wish with them, to explain your dilemma and make them smile again. You can even tag them in your comments below if you are feeling extra lousy about it.

Photo Credits:
Mario Cake by Mad Eliza’s Cakes and Confections, Topeka, Kansas
Basement Kitten on Bench by Lachlan Rogers via Flickr
This is NOT Real by Jason and Kehly via Flickr
Hot Chick by Joe Marinaro via Flickr

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Does a Slick Sales Pitch Work in Social Media?

Cleaning Becomes Child's Play!
Cleaning Becomes Child's Play!

Have you ever seen one of those slick sales pitches that seem to suck the money right out of your pocket? You know, like those vacuum cleaner demonstrations where they show you how their vacuum will pick up nails and screws, and even lift a bowling ball with its superior suction.

These are the sort of clever sales tactics where they show that even after all those nails and screws, it will still pick up the dirt that your tired old machine leaves behind. The dirty “proof” is right there in front of you, and you don’t really want your home to be that filthy, do you?

With all the filth of nasty bacteria and dust mites, it is only a matter of time until your kids get asthma, and the doctor bills will cost you a squillion times what their vacuum cleaner will cost. So, really, they are not selling you a vacuum cleaner. They are saving your kids’ lives, and keeping you from going bankrupt with all the medical bills.

This is really not a laughing matter, and it all goes to prove why you need the Sucker Sucker 4000! The massive power of the Sucker Sucker 4000 will suck up dirt better than the competition, but at a fraction of the cost. When you add in those medical bills, it actually pays you to buy this machine!

Plus, every spouse is more amorous when their back is not hurting. Think about how many times your wife complains about hauling that big old heavy vacuum up and down the stairs. She won’t be complaining of a backache with the Sucker Sucker 4000! You like sex, don’t you?

Guess what! Your tired old vacuum will do most of that stuff, too! It is a sales pitch, and it is not designed to save your kids’ lives. It is designed to get the money out of your pocket and into theirs.

The Tragedy of Social Media Pitches

There is no disputing the value of good marketing. Marketing is where the sales come from. Marketing builds companies, and puts the money in their bank account.

Marketing has changed, and many companies struggle to adapt. They are trying so hard to hold onto yesterday’s values, that their marketing sucks as strong as that vacuum cleaner. They are still trying to sustain the lies and deception of old-school pitches, and excessively boastful statements, while the market passes them by. The smart ones figured out that they just needed to provide the best offerings they can, and be honest, and their fans will do the boasting for them.

People Got Smarter About the Sucking
People Got Smarter About the Sucking
People got smarter, and many cleverly devised mysteries were revealed. The semi-honest tactics that used to bring in customers may still work for a while, but not forever. It mostly works on the naive, who do not take the extra effort to shop around and pay attention. Those naive and impulsive people are wising up. The most naive of all were the same people who took the economic collapse extra hard. They were suckered far too often, and now they are mad! The ease of comparison shopping and more cautious spending makes the slick pitches less effective.

Just look at my industry for an example. How many people in the SEO (search engine optimization) industry do you think have built up sales with sleazy tactics? I see it all the time, and when customers find out the SEO is a fraud, and their tactics are more harmful than good, they change their company name and go into hiding like Osama bin Laden. It happens a lot more than you may think. It is like those traveling magazine salesmen. By the time you realize you never got the magazines you paid for, they are in another town, scamming another would-be reader.

What about social media marketing? Have you happened to notice the massive number of people who became “social media experts” in the last few years? How did that happen? They were not trained in marketing, or have decades of experience, but now they know a bunch of buzz words and how to suck up bowling balls with a vacuum cleaner.

It happened because people really want to have hope, and that is the big con job of the majority of social media marketing people. They sell ridiculous hopes that they will save companies from destruction by setting them up on Facebook and Twitter. As with other industries, people are figuring things out the hard way, and now they are starting to shop more carefully. Many of the “social media experts” are not so expert once you lift the curtain and turn on the lights.

A strong case can be made about the uneven distribution of intelligence among our population. Yes, there are a lot of very unintelligent people out there who will buy anything! You are different, and I know that, because you are here and reading my blog. You have a higher I.Q. than a potato, so you can surely see beyond the common trickery.

Some Truth About a Sales Pitch

The truth about a sales pitch is that they are designed to bring you to an emotional peak, and then close the sale while you are still excited about the product or service. The numbers may vary by industry, but there is generally less than one percent of people who will come back for the purchase if the sale is not closed immediately at the conclusion of the presentation.

That is the old school pitch, and it is very hard for companies to let go of that power, and to work hard enough to earn a customer’s business based on truth and trust.

Make Them Emotional, But Not Mad!
Make Them Emotional, But Not Mad!
Even in cases where the sale is not made right then, the buyer’s decision has often been made. They are either committed to the sale, or further consideration of the sale, or they are not. This goes for any pitch.

How this is applied to online marketing, and especially in social media marketing efforts, is that the buyer has a lot more control of the sales pitch. The process is more long-sighted, and it allows customers to make better decisions. It also requires companies to work harder to avoid “no” until they get the “yes” answer they wanted.

Along with a social media pitch, customers will Google your name, check for reviews, and see if your equivalent to the Sucker Sucker 4000 is what you claim that it is. If it really is, they may decide to watch you and think about your product or service for a while, until they are ready to buy. That scares the heck out of a lot of companies, because it is so foreign.

The good news about the sales that come from social media sources is that the customer is often far more aware of the offering, and will be a better customer because of their higher level of confidence.

If you are doing your job right, the customer will pay attention. They will bookmark your website, subscribe to your mailing list, and they will think about the wonderful day when they will own what you sell. Until that time, it is your job to make it easier for them to remember you, and how much better they will feel once they make their purchasing decision.

Once they are your customer, it is your duty to be sure they love your brand enough to tell their friends, and give you positive reviews across the Internet. When this happens, the sales cycle comes full-circle, and you are on a path to growth.

Some Options for Your Sales Pitch

The way I see it is that you have some options to consider. There are many degrees of how much you will incorporate these extremes, and finding your perfect balance is important.

Option One: You could just keep sucking up nails and looking for more people to present your pitch to. You can keep dismissing the non-buyers as idiots and child abusers for leaving their home so filthy by not buying your Sucker Sucker 4000.

Option Two: Another option is that you show more longevity, take a long-term approach, and help others to do the selling for you. You can give the real facts, keep the hype a bit less creepy, and cultivate a customer base who love you for your integrity and fine offerings.

Option One focuses on short-term drama and urgency, while Option Two focuses on long term success and building trust in a market segment. There really is a good balance between short-term and long-term objectives for any company.

Long-term social media objectives often come with more pain in the short-term, and short-term objectives often come with more pain in the long-term. Sometimes success is a matter of determining your tolerance to pain.

Oh, and by the way … did you Google me, check my background, and subscribe to my blog, yet? Come back any time to read some more. I’ll be here when you are ready to do business. 😉

Photo Credits:
Arco Wand Vacuum Cleaner by Marxchivist via Flickr
23.4.2009 by Miika Niemelä via Flickr
Hey Dorks, Who Is Your King Now??? by Rob Boudon via Flickr

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