writing hooks Archives by Mark Murnahan

Grammatical Reasons They’re Taking Their Business Over There

There are spelling and grammar errors that can make you look astonishingly lazy, and then there are spelling and grammar errors which simply make you appear stupid. The lazy errors happen to the best of us. I have never read a book that did not have an error, somewhere, even after many rounds of professional editing. Hekc, you may even find an error here on my blog.

I cannot expect people to be perfect, but what I can do is have a whole lot of fun at their expense. Perhaps you do not feel strongly about these failures of education, but do you ever read something which indicates that you are shopping in the wrong place?

I encounter horrible spelling and grammar every day, and I often wonder how these perpetrators of illiteracy keep up their fight to grow a business. Below are some brain-failures I hope to one day see eradicated.

Your Prolly May Hate Me For This

I think the first time I saw “prolly” used in somebody’s marketing material, I wondered what other kind of seafood they had. A “prolly” is the deep sea cousin of a prawn, right? Otherwise, I am at a loss to understand how anybody could slaughter a word so horribly.

I later learned that they were probably referring to the probability of business failure for being so damn lazy. “Prolly” is not a word, but if it ever becomes a word, I imagine that it will probably be used to describe a deep sea crustacean.

You’re Not Using Your Head

“You’re” is a contraction that means “you are” and “your” is a second-person pronoun meaning something belonging to the subject, you. “Ur” is deep sea text messaging code that the prolly kids use to keep grown-ups from understanding what the heck they are saying.

If you try telling me “your going to love our stuff” you had better be giving it away, because I am not buying it. My what is going to love your stuff? My wife, my kids, my libido? If you say “your going to love our stuff” you need to add something to help me understand you better. Perhaps you meant “your prolly is going to love our stuff!”

If you use “ur”, I may boil you in a seafood gumbo. There is not even a “dumb camp” for people so dumb to try and pass off “u” or “ur” as words. That is, unless you’re a 14 year old prolly girl and want to disarm the boys by downplaying your intelligence.

The words “you’re” and “your” are not even close to the same thing, and they are pronounced differently as well. Maybe understanding the pronunciation will help you to remember the correct usage. “You’re” begins with the sound of the word “you” and since it is a contraction, it slurs in the word “are”. Try it out and begin with “you” and add “are” and keep slurring them together faster until it sounds right.

The pronunciation of “your” rhymes with lore, more, store, and whore. So if you think about using the word “your” try using it as follows: “Your store is creating more lore.” Now remember that if you are talking about somebody’s whore, you can use the word “your”, because it is something they posses. It is their whore, and it shows possession. On the other hand, if you say “You’re whore”, you just called them a whore, because you said “you are whore”. That makes it more personal and is more likely to start a fight than simply talking about the whore they possess. You might just as well talk bad about their prolly while you are tossing around the insults.

One more thing: “Youre” is another prolly word. Please refrain from using it unless you are deep in the ocean and related to prawns.

They’re Going to Take Their Money Over There

If you don’t get this one by the time I am done, you should be sent to swim with the prolly. Again with the damn contractions. I largely avoid contractions, in speech and in writing, but they are widely accepted in the twisted version of the Queen’s English that is used in my country.

“They’re” means “they are”, “their” means that they possess it, and “there” means somewhere else or the existence of something. Here is some practice for you to consider: There is a good chance they’re going to take their money over there if you screw these up. Now read this sentence again and think really hard.

There is a good chance they’re going to take their money over there if you screw these up.

“Their” is a personal pronoun. If you remember that lesson about “your whore”, just flip that around and now you are talking about their whore. If you get this wrong they’re probably going to take their money somewhere else … over there.

Your Till Will Ring Less ‘Til You Stop Abusing This

Note that I have edited this for clarification after receiving a comment (below) assuming I had a problem with using “till”, which is not the case. The problem is in trying to make a contraction of “until”. Think for just a moment about the word “until”. Until is just five letters long, but I see a lot of people who try to shorten it. If you want to shorten “until” consider how you may do so with the least absurdity. Would you add another letter to the word that did not previously exist and say “‘till“. That seems kind of useless, considering that you just removed one letter and added another letter plus one more character. In this case, maybe you mean the word till. Otherwise, “until” is still five characters long in this iteration ( ‘-t-i-l-l ), but it makes you look five times as stupid! I suppose you can get a down home feel by using “’til“, which would be the correct usage if there were an acceptable contracted version of until. On closer inspection you may notice that it is still only one character shorter.

A “till” is a place where money is stored, or something you do to the field before you plant corn to make your whiskey. Until you understand that “until” only has one letter “L”, and that till is not a contracted version of until, you may sound like you are drinking from a still. At least you will sound like a hillbilly for trying to make a contraction of the word until, in case that is what you are after.

The Alot Eats Prolly

I find a lot of people who like the “Alot”, but they abuse him. The Alot is a unique creature, and should not be taken for granted. I do not have a lot better way to describe the Alot than to introduce you to the creature in a blog article titled “The Alot is Better Than You at Everything“. Here is a snippet for you:

The Alot is an imaginary creature that I made up to help me deal with my compulsive need to correct other people’s grammar. It kind of looks like a cross between a bear, a yak and a pug, and it has provided hours of entertainment for me in a situation where I’d normally be left feeling angry and disillusioned with the world.

For example, when I read the sentence “I care about this alot,” this is what I imagine:
(see Hyperbole and a Half)

I have just one more thing to mention on the subject. Get your “‘s” (apostrophe s) and “s'” (apostrophe s’) right. If it needs an apostrophe or does not, you should learn the difference and also the correct placement. Otherwise, don’t blame me if your customer rides their alot over there to another store to buy their prolly.

What Makes You Want to Rant?

I could go on with rants about bad grammar until I am as blue as a prolly. What makes you want to rant? Perhaps it is people who correct your grammar? 😉

Produce More Website Content … But Why? SEO?

“You should produce more website content.” This is a pretty common message that many search engine optimizers will tell you. They say that “if you produce more content, you will have more website traffic.” Are they lying to you? No, but there is another piece that is missing. I am going to give you that piece, and it will not cost you a cent. I will give you the good and bad sides of creating more content on your website, along with some encouragement that it is not as difficult at you may imagine, so pay attention.

You want more website traffic. Don’t try to deny it. I want more website traffic, too. Website traffic makes me happy. It makes me feel vindicated for all my hard work. It makes me money … (insert sound byte of screeching tires here). Incorrect! More website traffic actually does not pay me a penny. It actually comes with a cost. Maybe this is why I am telling you the truth. I may just lie to you if I earned a dollar every time you click another page, but I do not. Go ahead and look around to see that I do not have a bunch of cost-per-exposure advertisements or cost-per-action links to “buy now” or “register here” on my blog. I have a couple of my own books listed to the left, but I am not force-feeding that to you. They are not my big money-maker. So, you may ask, “what is the catch, and why do you want to share this with me?” There must be something dirty in this plan, right? No, in fact, I actually do not want to sell you anything at all. I will explain, but first, I want you to understand some facts about producing more website content. I will explain why more website content is important, and also why it is not important.

Benefits Producing More Website Content

If you produce more written content on your website, there will be more things for Google and other search engines to add to their databases. This means that as long as you do everything else just right, you will have a higher chance of being listed when somebody performs a search. Do not underestimate the importance of this fact. Consider why Wikipedia is found so often when you search for something. Wikipedia has a lot of useful website content … things you want to know.

I recently illustrated the huge differences in website traffic based on adding new website content as compared to the reach of social media. I suggest reading “Twitter is Useful but Blogging is Better” and also a piece titled “10 Really good Reasons to Blog“. Your website really is the epicenter of your business efforts online, so you should treat it that way. If you are in business and want more business, you should really be producing more website content … but here comes the hard part.

Producing More Website Content Does Not Matter

Website content is important. It is important enough that more website content, alone, is not what really matters. Your competitors are producing more website content, too. The race is on, and now it will require marketing talent to win. Doing it right is what matters. Giving people information they want and need, becoming a market authority, and being ready with a solution for the reader’s need matters more. Volume of website content will get people there, but having something truly spectacular for them is what makes them a customer.

There is a balance to be found between more website content and great website content. Some content will get traffic and public attention, but people will only look further if it grabs them and pulls them in. The people who visit my blog because they searched for “best hookers” (and they do) are not buying what I sell, but it is a pretty darn popular piece of blogging content. The people who happen upon that piece because I referenced it, like I did here, are why I wrote it. There is also a lot of value in reaching the audience just outside of your focus using “lateral keywords“. This means keywords in a lateral and sometimes unexpected market.

Producing Website Content Gets Easier

Producing website content gets easier with practice, and it can really create a snowball effect. Just consider this: I set out to write a book about Twitter in 2009. I was just out to write one book, but all of the sudden it got easier and I wrote two more within three months. I also blogged enough to wear my fingers smooth.

You do not need a degree in literature to produce successful website content. I can prove this statement. The website content that I have produced over the last decade is viewed by hundreds of thousands of people per month. It has also earned me millions of dollars. I left school at 15 years of age and I am the CEO of a wholesale Internet company. I didn’t have the time or education to write more website content either. I am glad that I did, and it provided inspiration for the book “Living in the Storm“.

You can do this, and it really does make a difference. When you cannot, there are also a lot of website content producers available to hire out the work or to augment your efforts. There is also a search engine optimizer on every corner. These fields grow with each round of layoffs at companies that didn’t produce more website content in time to beat the competition.

When Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn, and all the other tools you have tried just aren’t working like you hoped, it is likely that you simply didn’t produce enough quality content that people were looking for. Think about it like planting a tree. If you want shade, the best time to plant it is ten years ago. You cannot go back and plant it earlier, so the next best time is now.

Why I Do Not Want to Sell You Anything

I wrote earlier that I do not want to sell you anything at all. That deserves an explanation, because I really do not mean to seem rude or impersonal. The truth is that I am actually looking at the guy over your shoulder. I want your competitor. I want the one who is out to crush your business because they understand the importance of not only producing more website content, but also producing the content that will smash the competition. That is how I earn a living for my family. So, if you call me on the phone or message me, be sure that you tell me you are out to cause a marketing massacre for that other company who read this blog article (yes, they are reading it, too).

Hookers Write the Best Blogs

Who would have guessed that hookers write the best blogs? In this fast-paced scan-and-click Internet world, what are people actually reading? It may sound crazy, but you could learn a lot from a hooker.

With over 200 million blogs on the Internet, who can slow down and read the whole thing? Hookers know the answer, and it is really pretty basic. When you hook the reader right up front, they will have more reason to keep reading and want to know more. So keep reading! I wrote this to help you get more productivity from your time online, and if you are a blog author, to help your readers get more from your articles.

Bloggers and Hookers

If you are a writer, it is your responsibility to assure readers a good value for their time. But first, you must give them an incentive … a hook. Thus, a writer with a good hook could be called a “hooker”. In order to do this, effectively, you really must think about the way you read. I have often found myself scanning through information in such a mad rush that I sometimes miss the good stuff. Consider for a moment how many articles you start to read but never finish. You only get a fraction of the message because you toss them aside and click on the next flashy thing that catches your eye. Your readers are not so different. A look at your Website statistics will show how long an average visitor spends on your site, and it is never as long as you would like. So, if you are a good hooker, “turning the trick” is the next big battle.

Turning the Trick

This happened to me just yesterday. I was reading a blog post that I thought was kind of interesting. I put it aside and figured I would read the rest later. I thought it was good enough that I tweeted it (sent a message using Twitter.com), but I almost didn’t finish it. Just a moment later, I saw that somebody “re-tweeted” it. The article very nearly ended up in my vast “to read” pile (which often remains unread). Once I read just a bit more, I could not stop … I was hooked! The terrible part is that I almost missed reading something that I ultimately found very interesting and useful.

So, in the example above, where did this all go wrong? I had actually read far enough to know it was a good article. The hook had been set, right? Wrong! The author almost lost me, and not because it got boring, but rather because he did not set the hook deep enough, fast enough. If the author had fully engaged me in the very beginning, I could have probably suffered through a lot of boring reading, just assuming there was something coming to re-spark my interest.

Quality Ad Copy

Quality ad copy always starts with a hook. If you get that part right, the rest is much easier. If you canont come up with the right hook, get help from a friend or hire a professional.

Quality ad copy with a good hook is more important on the Internet than any other place. You only have seconds to reach your readers. I don’t know any writer who feels good about losing a reader early, and when it comes to business writing, it hurts your bottom line. I personally love to look at my reader statistics to see people spending a lot of time on a page. This means they are actually getting what I tell them. It means I have done my job well, which is very satisfying to me. Be sure to look at your statistics, and if users are coming but not staying long, you are probably not setting the hook.

Am I a Hooker?

Yes, I am a hooker for hire. I got you to read this far, didn’t I? If I can do that, just imagine what I can do to help you reach more people and “hook” your audience. Of course, I don’t want to lose you here, because the good stuff is yet to come. If it will help you, take a deep breath, stand up and shake, get a cup of coffee, or do whatever you need to do, and then when you are ready … come back and read some more of my blog. Perhaps my section on SEO Lessons and the importance of quality Internet marketing will interest you, or take your pick from the left side of this page. This is all here to help you, and I will try to not let you down.

Origin of the Word “Hooker”

Since this blog post refers to hookers, I thought I would share this clever video to explain the origin of the word “hooker”. Enjoy! Oh, and Please Tweet This!