Crazy Things People Search For

Hippopotamus Polka?
Hippopotamus Polka?

People search for the craziest things online. Looking at your website statistics to see the searches people use to find your website can be an eye-opener. I discover thousands of bizarre and unexpected searches which lead people to my websites, and some of them quite useful. This can be quite entertaining, and also very beneficial for understanding people and the ways they search.

I constantly hear from people begging to be at the top of search engine results for specific terms. I often find that the things they want to rank for are about as well researched and thought out as balancing a three ton hippopotamus on a popsicle stick above your grandmother’s fine China collection. There are two problems with this: 1.) Somebody is going to get hurt. 2.) It does not work well, mathematically.

Most website owners do not have a clue about how to select the search terms to target, or even what people are already using to find their website. Even fewer know how to target useful search terms, or anything at all about the enormous value of lateral keywords which can often account for far more website traffic than the terms they desire. This is to your advantage, because now you do have a clue. You can thank me with your comments.

Reviewing the actual terms people type into a search engine to find things is truly astonishing. It is also an important way to better understand people and what they want. If you do not use tools like Google Analytics or Clicky statistics, you should.

The topic of how people search the Internet came up in conversation with a client yesterday. He pointed out a competing website which was ranking higher in search engines than his website. Of course, it was for his “hippopotamus-balancing” keyword selection which he thought must be important, because everybody else was targeting it. He got a quick schooling when I pointed out how few people were actually searching for that keyword phrase, and that according to available measurements (Compete.com, Alexa.com, Quantcast.com, Open Site Explorer and others) his website receives over 1,000 times more visitors and incoming links, and is ranked well for thousands of search terms. He kind of shut up after I showed him that, and I had my mind’s-eye vision of doing a victory dance. Then I pointed out his high conversion rate and had to take a step backward to preserve my personal space before he could slap on a big man-hug or kiss me square on the lips for all the money he is making.

Strange Ways People Search the Internet

It is easy to assume what people are searching for. It is also a huge point of failure for the majority of businesses trying to promote their product or service. I find too many people who make assumptions of the keyword phrases people will use to find them. It is important to be aware that each and every one of us use search engines differently. I find whole industries every day which blow me away with their total failure to understand and reach their market.

In an effort to make this point, I offer you these little bits of reality:

Here is a blog article I wrote a while back about cigars. I do not sell cigars, (although perhaps I should). I wrote one article about a cigar company falling short in their marketing, and then I later followed up with an article which showed the top 200 cigar-related search terms which brought people to my website from that single blog post. See “Cigar Prices Rising With Bad SEO and Social Media Marketing“.

More proof of this matter of an industry which did not grasp search engine optimization was found in the Smart Slate interactive whiteboard slate. See “Smart Slate, Smart Airliner, and Other Interactive Slates“. Because of the absurdity of this industry, I have earnestly looked into the option of entering the market just to mop the floor with the blood of fallen competitors.

Then, there is the automotive industry. I want to scream at this whole industry for the way they suck up billions in government bailouts, yet they keep trying to do business the way their grandfather sold cars. I wrote about their infamous ways of marketing and just how badly they are missing the mark. See Topeka Kansas Car Dealer Social Media Marketing Case Study

These examples are just a few of many thousands of markets being terribly overlooked by good marketing efforts including SEO that works. If you do not know what people are looking for, you will have a really hard time delivering what they want. It should seem obvious that when some knucklehead SEO (search engine optimizer) like me can come into an industry and take over thousands of first-page spots for search phrases and pull in the eyes of their potential customers, somebody is really missing the boat.

I suggest examining the search phrases people are already using to find your website, and reading this article on how to “Improve SEO Return on Investment (ROI) With Simple Math“.

If you don’t pay attention to what people are searching for, in reality rather than just myth, you may as well just play with a hippopotamus on a stick. Just don’t blame me if you break grandma’s China.

Statistics Obsession: Another Huge Internet Time-Waster

Statistical Time Zapper
Statistical Time Zapper

Do you check your statistics to see if your web traffic has moved up since you checked it an hour ago? Do you ever feel just a tinge of obsession over your Google Analytics or Clicky statistics? Do you wait impatiently for the next update of your score on Alexa, or Quantcast? Do you get frustrated when your Klout score is a day behind and you just have to know if they actually picked up on all of your hard work?

Stop it! Just stop it!

I know how easy it is to feel better when you go and see how (or if) people are interacting with your website or your social media profiles. It is actually very important information to know. Knowing your statistics, and understanding what they mean is extremely valuable for effective online marketing. The problem arises when it is taken to a level where productivity is lost.

Don’t take this wrong. I am not berating you, because I know how easy the trap can be. Allow me to jest. I am one of those guys who is drawn to statistics like a moth to a bug-zapper. I will probably know if you click this link before you can even pick up the phone to call me and ask how I can help you to grow your business. It is one of my important calls to action for people to visit my “About Mark” page to find out more about me, or my contact page to reach me about better marketing. (UPDATE: I no longer accept loser clients.)

When I see those things, it means somebody is interested in my services. Well, sometimes it means that. If they click on my link for “What Others Say About Mark” it must mean that they are going to spend a ton of money, and I can take a few more minutes to check out my stats on other sites, because I have already practically got their money in the bank. You know, because people are clicking all the right stuff, and I had a four percent increase over an hour ago in the stuff I wanted clicked. Now I am freed up to do more statistics-surfing. Maybe somebody retweeted me, maybe they bookmarked me somewhere, or maybe I have more FeedBurner subscribers. If I check these things, maybe I will feel better, like Oprah Winfrey with a double-scoop ice cream cone.

A Better Waste of Time

The Internet is such a fascinating place. It amazes me what kind of things you can find. Perhaps a better waste of time for those moments when you want to go and check those stats again would be to watch this nine minute video of some guys frying bugs in a bug zapper.

On the other end of the spectrum, if you are not checking your website statistics to know what your readers want and how they are interacting with your material, you should be. Just don’t be too obsessed with it.