Tag: search engine ranking

11 Humorous Answers to Dumb Google Searches

Google Search: How to Spell Duh
Google Search: How to Spell Duh

You may wonder how I will make this turn out to be both useful and humorous, but have a little faith, my Google searching friend. This is a list of my answers to some the dumbest Google searches I recently found in my server logs. Before I cut straight to my list of absurdities, allow me just a moment to set the stage.

I love SEO. There, I said it! I really do love my work, although it is usually much more fun to do it than to explain it to people. I am the first to suspect that, as I have often said, “When I Go to Hell, They Will Have Me Selling SEO“. Yes, fun to do it, but tortuous to explain it.

One of the reasons I love SEO so much is the great humor and insights to the human mind that it offers. This is also one of the reasons you may sometimes find me to be condescending and uppity, because there are truly some dumb people out there. Yes, saying that makes me a jerk, but actually more of a “PECKER” (Reference: “New SEO Acronym to Replace SEO by 2012“).

It takes all types to make a species, but wow … just “Wow!” I am a fan of people, but sometimes I have to feel just a little tinge of embarrassment for the floaters in our genetic pool.

The term “SEO”, for the uninitiated, is an acronym for “search engine optimization”, and as a practitioner in the field, it means that I can generally rank at the top of the list for damn near anything I choose. That is why companies pay me to provide this service for them. Yeah, can you believe it? Being ranked at the top of search results is actually worth paying for. That is totally crazy, I know!

Don’t hate me for it, because it comes with a touch of insanity, and a good dose of time. Like well over a decade of practice and studying SEO to know what works.

A good amount of this particular achievement comes down to having a squillion website links pointing to my blog from other websites, and having just a touch of Murnahan wit and charm. OK, you can call it “BS”, or whatever you like, but let’s face it, some websites will rank well in search engines, and some will never be indexed for popular searches. This one ranks particularly well, which comes with a great potential for humor.

I previously wrote about the downside of being obsessed with statistics and over-monitoring of user data, but it is also very important to know how people are finding a website. It tells us what we need to know, and how to make things even better. When you dig really deep, it can sometimes make hot coffee shoot uncontrollably from your nose as you laugh. This is especially the case when you try to picture what in the world those people were actually hoping to find in their online search.

NOTE: Although I am a huge proponent of targeting a market based on specific propensity of readers to become a customer or to refer business. Targeting is why I write things to attract specific searches from specific people. For example, I wrote about NASCAR start and park teams to reach the racing community, while offering good marketing thoughts.

With the good comes the bad, and sometimes it all goes wonky. If you rank well for the useful search terms, always it comes with unexpected absurdities. Although some of these may not seem so humorous on the surface, if you squint and look closely, there is something just a bit funny going on here.

Each of these searches have come in many variations of the search, and each is an actual verbatim quote taken from the top 5,000 searches in my website analytics within the past 30 days (typographical errors and all).

  • Dumb Google Search One: “icecream for sore bum“

    OK, I hate to drop this little peach so early, but this one does set a certain tone. This is an actual search that has been repeated in many various forms, including some that were probably typed urgently like “what;s good for hemorrhoids” (Twitter, of course!). It leads users to an article that asks “Is Twitter Good for SEO?“. The article may actually be useful, but I didn’t write this one for bums. If your butt hurts, I really don’t have a lot for you, but dozens of people seem to think that ice cream may help.

  • Dumb Google Search Two: “can your testicals reconnect them selves“

    I can forgive this fella for misspelling testicles, and for not realizing that “themselves” is actually just one word. This came from a Korean speaking individual in Burke, Virginia, USA. What I picture is a really frustrated little Korean guy sitting cross-legged at his computer screaming at his lover and murmuring “You betteh be right woman, oh I keow you!”

    I actually took a screen capture of this one when it happened. My guess is that he did not want to call 9-1-1, just in case he actually ended up killing somebody. I hope that poor guy is alright! I also hope he does not come for my testicles for wasting his precious moment with my article titled “SEO, Social Media, and Marketing Balls“. In my defense, I did not use the word “testicles” in the article, even once, and there was no medical advice.

  • Dumb Google Search Three: “best hookers“

    I suppose I kind of asked for this one when I titled an article “Hookers Write the Best Blogs“. What I didn’t realize at the time was just how many people would be performing Google image searches for pictures of hookers. I searched it one time, just to see what they were seeing. A few transsexual hookers and other creepy images later, I washed my eyes out with Listerine and vowed to never do that again!

  • Dumb Google Search Four: “buy termites online“

    Who knew that termites were so in-demand? I see a lot of variations for the query of where to buy termites. Although I am sure a number of these are people seeking to study termites in their laboratory, it makes me wonder how many angry ex-husbands are dumping these voracious little monsters around the foundations of their former homes. For those looking for termites, I offer this article titled “Things You Cannot Sell Online“. Termites are not one of those things, and it is highly unlikely that what you sell is on the list, too!

  • Dumb Google Search Five: “blog trolls“

    I wonder what they want with a blog troll. Yeah, I am sure that some people are just looking for a picture of a blog troll, but nobody I know has actually ever seen one. They sneak around in the shadows of the Internet. Here is what I had to say about them: A Few Words About Blog Trolls and Lurkers.

  • Dumb Google Search Six: “cheap sutures“

    This one is really dumb for a couple reasons. Sutures are those things they use to stitch people up after surgery. They generally come at an extremely high cost to we consumers. I guess maybe there is not enough markup in the medical field, so they have to find their sutures cheap so they can earn an extra four dollars on a $40,000 surgery.

    The other reason this one cracks me up is that I was once contracted to place a client at the top of searches for cheap sutures. They still owe me many tens of thousands of dollars, but then, that is why I now hold five of the top ten search results for their company name, “Suture Express“, along with their coveted “cheap sutures” and the names of each of their executives. Oops! 😉

  • Dumb Google Search Seven: “what happens if i set up a facebook page and dont use it?“

    This one should be simple. What else could a person logically expect would happen? Your computer will be infected with a virus that causes it to explode into a squillion pieces. I would not suggest this, especially with a laptop, but if it happens to you, just Google me when you need those testicles reconnected.

    In case you need to know more about Facebook or their computer-exploding virus, here is more information on the topic.

  • Dumb Google Search Eight: “SEO meta tags“

    This one is actually a very popular search, and it blows my mind. I mean, seriously, just look at the source code on any one of my blog’s pages if you need a mental re-adjustment on the topic of SEO tips. I would like to give you a quote from the article these search patrons find:

    “As long as there are people who ask “do meta tags help with SEO” there will be plenty of people to con them out of their money.”

    I hope you are not searching for information about meta tags. If so, you really should stick around and read some more.

  • Dumb Google Search Nine: “what to do when your too good at your job“

    My answer would perhaps be to quit the job and seek something better. Please just don’t make it a writing career until you at least learn the difference between your and you’re. Sure, maybe this is no big deal, but if “your too good at your job”, you’re probably going to need a better resume writer.

    This search landed the user on an article titled “Are You Too Good at Your Job?“, but what I think they really needed was to learn about Cousin Prolly in the article titled “Grammatical Reasons They’re Taking Their Business Over There”

    Another idea for being too good at your job is to give it all up and become an SEO and social media expert. That seems to be mighty damn popular (in searches, too)!

  • Dumb Google Search Ten: “things people find“

    My first thought here is “huh?” I am not so sure why, but a lot of searches just don’t make any sense to me at all. Apparently a limited few people are trying to find things people find. What they actually find is an article titled “Crazy Things People Search For” which addresses the ways people use search engines. It kind of goes well with this piece, so you may enjoy it.

  • Dumb Google Search Eleven: “how much does seo cost“

    This one actually comes with a whole lot of related searches that are equally as ridiculous. Some of those are social media rates, seo hourly rate, how much does it cost for SEO, social media marketing cost, how much will a social media strategy cost, and literally thousands more.

    What these searchers are obviously completely terrified and confused about is that there is a vast difference from one SEO to another. Asking the cost without knowing what to expect or understanding that it is not about cost, but rather increased profit, is about as wasteful and dumb as any question ever asked.

    Have you seen the Grand Canyon? I would like to submit that the difference in good SEO and bad SEO makes that thing look like a crack in a sidewalk.

My Dumb Summary of Dumb Google Searches

I guess eleven is enough for now. I gave you a whole lot of truly useful links dispersed throughout this article. In fact, probably enough that if you sit there and read them all at once, it will make your bum hurt. So, please bookmark this page, get yourself some ice cream to sit in, come back, and take some time checking them out.

Also, please add your comments and tell me how you arrived here. If you are that poor Korean fella represented in this image, I’d love to know how things turned out.

If you are not that Korean guy, be sure you subscribe, because I’ve got a whole lot more where this came from!

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They Pay for Awesomeness, and Nothing Less!

Helpful Awesomeness is What They Want!
Helpful Awesomeness is What They Want!

People ask me all the time, for ideas about how they can make their business better, stronger, and more profitable. They want to know what will convince more people to spend hard-earned money with their company.

I usually have some useful tips for them. I love to help, and I enjoy the look on their faces when they say “Why didn’t we ever think of that?” It is even more adorable when they call me to tell me that they implemented the tip and it is working for them.

It feels great to be helpful, and it keeps me sharp with new ideas. It is also why I write this blog, and why you see my direct phone line at the top of every blog post with the statement “I am always ready for a brainstorm. Call me at *REDACTED DUE TO AGING WEBSITE*.”

One of my best tips, in a single word, is “Awesomeness”. I will explain this, and how you can create greater awesomeness for your customers.

Being Helpful Grows Awesomeness!

I want to explain a principle that may seem scary to some people, but it is one which has served me very well in life, and in business. It requires patience and practice, but it has never failed me in the long-term. In order to explain it best, I will use my own experience. I could explain it in some fancy theoretical terms, but this comes from real life … my real everyday work.

It is my job to provide answers for improving companies and making them more marketable. I do a lot of my work free of charge. Well, at least I try very hard to blog about it in ways that people can use it. I’d call that work, so yes, I do a lot of my work for free.

Since I only work with a very small number of clients, and because a company has to be pretty serious about their marketing to hire my services, I make many efforts to help others without digging into their pockets. Don’t worry, it is not some kind of Jedi mind trick (video reference), and I am not selling something here. Being helpful gives me good karma, mojo, luck, or whatever you want to call it.

Being helpful is a principle that is used in abundance by successful companies, and successful people. You really don’t have to look around very hard to see this in action. It is a principle that is even more important when applied to the Internet, and I’ll tell you why. When it comes to Internet dealings, people have a very strong filter for noise. I wrote about this a while back, in an article titled “Will Your Social Media Noise Withstand 2011 Filtering?” They are also commonly very skeptical. There is a lot of “crap” on the Internet to overcome, as a consumer.

Many companies use blogs and other social media tools to be more helpful and interesting to their potential market. When they provide useful information, it brings attention to their brand. It is a means to express a company’s awesomeness and to put their helpfulness to work, and their company culture on the front line. There are many good reasons for companies to have a blog, in fact, I can offer you 10 really good reasons to blog.

I could stop right here, but I just told you this as a preface for the real point of this article. You can stop here, add your comments, tweet it, Facebook it, blog about it, and etcetera, but there is more! Yes, it is lengthy, but that is why there is a play button on my blog (at the top). If you don’t have time to read it, at least care enough about your business to push play and listen.

What Do They Pay For? That’s Right … Awesomeness!

The principle of being helpful is only one piece of success, but a huge piece that a lot of companies totally neglect. Somebody has to pay for all of that helpfulness, or the company would go broke. So, a lot of companies are left with a question of who will pay for that? Can you believe it? Companies actually treat it as a “dilemma” of whether it is a good idea for them to be helpful. This is why I find that even when they are helpful, they seldom make it to “awesome” status.

Awesomeness Creates More Business
Awesomeness Creates More Business

The reason I mentioned this principle of being helpful is because I want you to pay attention without thinking I am here to sell you something. Call it a bonus, and whatever you do, please try to implement that tip. Be helpful … It is for your own benefit!

Now I am going to tell you what people actually pay me for, and explain ways you can benefit from it without having to pay me. Come to think of it, this may not go just right, but I am pretty sure I am not obsolete quite yet. In any case, I want you to use this for your own gain.

This May Not Be Awesome, But it is Helpful!

As a marketing guy, a huge amount of my work is not focused on helping companies with the obvious marketing task of getting their name in front of more people. Does that sound strange? It probably sounds totally crazy to a lot of people. In fact, you may be wondering, “Where in the heck do you find these idiots who pay you, Murnahan?” Yes, I am paid by aliens from another planet … but they are very successful Zarkmobians from Planet Narburloid.

It is true, though, because a significant amount of my work involves making them more marketable. That means digging into who they are, as a company. They pay me to develop a strong understanding of who they are, and to uncover what makes them more like sex, bacon, and other things people love. My job is to get a solid grasp on their “awesomeness” by viewing the culture of the company from a unique perspective. With this, it is my responsibility to create their best marketing strategy.

You can get a better picture of your awesomeness by talking to people. Ask people you respect. Ask people you don’t respect. Ask people who buy from you. Ask people who don’t buy from you. Ask without a word, by researching your market, and uncovering the real forces that drive your market. Ask a lot of questions, and pay careful attention to the answers. This will help you to discover your best customers!

Discovering the Model Customer

Once I know a company’s best assets (their awesomeness), I can begin the research to build a perfect model of their customers. Knowing the right audience is extremely important, especially if you want a return on your marketing investment. I wrote about this a couple times recently, and I hope you read those articles. I will add some links below, but if you are not a subscriber, do it now … it is free. I will say it again, though … ask a lot of questions, and pay attention to the answers. Below are some links to help you with your customer modeling, but note that they will only help you if you use them!

Shotgun Marketing is Not Awesome!
Shotgun Marketing is Not Awesome!

How Does the Company Fit Into the Market?

After the ideal customer models are in place, I can accurately direct my clients as to how they fit into their marketplace. Then, I can also provide steps to better adapt to their market. This is when the real awesomeness is unleashed. It is completely different for every company, in every industry.

If you do not know your competition, you probably don’t know your market very well. You need to know your market before you can even begin to get ahead. If you learn the forces working against you, it will be a whole lot easier to overcome them.

Spend some time knowing your market, including your competition. Most companies do a terrible job of this, so it is like low hanging fruit for you. Pick it!

Producing Awesome is Not Easy!

Most companies simply cannot see their business clearly from a marketability standpoint, and it becomes their Achilles heel. This destroys many companies.

Achilles Marketing Heel
Achilles Marketing Heel

Even when they think they have a good grasp on their “awesomeness”, most companies do not express it very well. I have said a lot about good reasons to blog, and good uses for social media. None of it centers on the use of destructive interruption marketing.

The challenge here is to present your company in a way that it is appealing to the customer, based on what they want, instead of just what the company wants.

I return to the principle of being useful. Most companies, including your competitors, will not have the required patience to be useful and give their customers a reason to buy from them. Many will just hope to flash a sale price and scream their selling message, but only a relatively few will put aside the selling enough to understand what will inspire buying.

Most companies (yes, most) will choose to skip the important research. It is not easy work, and it bores a lot of people to tears. It becomes too much hassle to actually build their understanding of the customer. For a lot of people, it would be cruel and unusual punishment just to finish reading this article, not to mention actually implementing the suggestions.

Here is where the punishment really pays off: If you understand your customers’ motivations to buy, and address it properly, they will tell each other. Your job becomes a lot easier.

Delivering Awesomeness to The People

Once the marketability factors are perfectly in place, it is a whole lot easier to deliver it to the people. Delivering something marketable to the people is simple! Have you seen how many amazing tools there are for delivering a good message to people? Just think of the first ones that come to mind. Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, Google, blogs … and the list goes on.

You want some awesome? Check this out! Here is some unsuspecting awesomeness for you. They didn’t seem all that amazing to me at first, but you would probably never believe me if I told you how many times these made my phone ring. These are just a couple of many examples, but the articles below make a good point.

How To Become Popular on Twitter Without Actually Being Useful

Social Media and The Absurdity of Implied Reciprocity

So you must be asking, “How did these make the phone ring?” It was because those little pieces of awesomeness made people think. They made people laugh. They compelled people to share them with others, and they created a squillion new links to my blog. Bonus Points: They were also extremely relevant to my industry.

Those links enhance my SEO (search engine optimization), and reflect credibility to search engines by showing popularity. That credibility helps everything else I write about to rank higher in search engines. That is how SEO works! This matters far more than the mechanical approach to SEO. The trick is to be awesome as often as possible, or at least as a high percentage of your efforts.

Are you getting it yet? A little bit of awesome carries a long way. I don’t make “awesome” happen every time, and you will not either. I know when it is needed, how to do it, and why it matters. That comes with practice, so start practicing!

How much more can I say? I gave you a lot of good links within this article, and I did not include a single one to waste your time. I just gave you tools to learn and implement excellent marketing. I hope I have encouraged you to take the same approach of researching your market and to provide value to your potential customers.

I suggest that you give in order to receive. As an example that I mean what I say, I am giving $5,000 just to receive an introduction to somebody interested in paying for my services. That pretty well covers the “awesome” and the “helpful” in my book.

Of course, companies pay me for a lot more than what I included here. If you have the time to exercise your patience, and put some practice to use, you will find a whole lot more free assistance in my blog archive. I do it to be useful, and that works for me. I believe it will work for you as well.

I will allow you this moment to practice being helpful and awesome. This is your chance to add your helpful comment, and share how you apply these principles, or how you feel you could do better. If you want to get outrageously helpful, give this a tweet, a Facebook like, a stumble, a digg, or whatever it is that you do to share helpful things with others.

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Why Do You Want to Become an SEO and Social Media Expert?

Are You Trying to Become This Guy?
Are You Trying to Become This Guy?

If I had an ounce of sand for every request I have received to help somebody become an SEO and Social Media Expert I could retire on my own private beach in a magnificent sandcastle.

As I consider all of the hype associated with SEO and social media marketing, I guess I can understand why so many people are attracted to the industry. The problem I see is that the hype has become far too believable, while reality and common sense have been left to rot.

I love to help people with their learning, and I take a lot of care to do it well. I will never intentionally lead you wrong, but in order to keep being helpful, it is important to understand people’s motivations. I will share some of my observations with you, and I would like your input as well.

My editor, Peggy, has already called this a “rant”, but it is a rant which I believe can be useful, or at least entertaining. I told Peggy this is something I think some people need to hear, and take seriously to heart as they consider their motivations for learning about SEO and social media.

I don’t want to be cruel, because I know that many fine people read my work to learn, and to pick up new ideas. The only cruelty here will come from within, if you find that you are doing things for the wrong motivations. Sometimes, my voice of reason must come out, and I have to be cruel to be kind. I want to understand my readers’ motivations better. Perhaps if I help you to reflect upon your own motivations, it will help us both.

Below are some observations that I find common among people seeking to learn SEO and social media marketing. I am absolutely not categorizing everybody, and I would not begin to tell you that you fit into one of these groups. These are just some observations I have found from well over a decade in this line of work. If you feel a bit awkward because you can relate to any of these, you should perhaps rethink your goals. Maybe you really are built for this, or maybe you should keep your day job. You decide!

Notice that I have lumped the two different disciplines of SEO and social media marketing into one. That is because they are more closely related than most people dare to believe. They often require similar skills, and anybody involved in one should have a good understanding of the other. They are also equally as scam-riddled because of the mythical glamour associated with the Internet.

Did You Think It May Be an Easy and Glamourous Job?

This industry is not lacking for participants. If you want a line of work where your demand will be high, try nursing. If you want a job that requires little training, try house cleaning. If you think that SEO and social media marketing is an industry that has a low barrier of entry, think again! The level of training, effort, and marketing talent required to be successful in this industry is not unlike becoming a rock star or a movie actor … only without the red carpet and paparazzi. Oh, and the groupies usually don’t throw lingerie at you or lift their shirt to get your attention.

SEO and Social Media Paparazzi
SEO and Social Media Paparazzi

SEO and social media is not as easy or as glamourous as those people promoting their “get rich quick” online marketing schemes will tell you. Oh, I suppose you could grab some quick bucks if you want to lie to people.

If you are the type who will do anything for money, I have some wise advice for you: Customers are not stupid for long. They may believe you if you say “just wait … the profit is coming”, but then it will not be long before they wise up and realize that the industry is full of bullshitters like you. Then they look for people with a track record and a reputation. That may not starve you today, but it will starve you. It is an easy way to keep enjoying your canned beans and mac & cheese while living in a cramped apartment with cockroaches and worrying about how to ask Mom to move into her basement. Stop now, save your effort, and get a job. This is a career where you will not last. Even if you straighten up and do the right things, your reputation will follow you and haunt you until you are back to mopping the floor of a truck stop where you may actually have superior skill. Got it, lowlife?

Social Media and SEO are “The Future”

I Like This Future!
I Like This Future!

Maybe you heard what I heard back in grade school. In the 1980’s I heard “Computers are the future!” and I took heed and learned a lot about them. Maybe you heard it later and they told you “The Internet is the future!” I heard that, and I founded an industry leading wholesale Internet services company. If you were really late in the game, you heard that “SEO and social media marketing is the future!” Maybe it is, or maybe it is not, but unless you are innovating, you will be stagnating.

Unless you are seriously committed to this industry enough to give up a whole lot of sleep and work extremely hard, you are better off looking for the next big craze. Most people will not tell you how hard it is to become good at this business. They will also usually neglect to tell you how many extremely intelligent people there are who make up the top echelon of the SEO and social media marketing industry. Just when you think you really have a mind for this, you may find that you are just a little more average than you expected. Average people don’t last very long, because the average person in this industry earns about three dollars per day and they move on to something else.

There isn’t much room in this industry for earning a living with average efforts, average results, average commitment, or average intellect. It takes a lot more than average to even begin to earn a full-time living in SEO and social media marketing. I guess, that is unless you can con your way into an entry-level position where you look over your shoulder every minute for fear of the boss coming to fire you because he found somebody in India who will do your job for a tenth of the money.

Marketing Your Own Company with SEO and Social Media

I know that a lot of people want to learn SEO and social media marketing to improve their own company. I have also seen how badly most of them totally destroy an otherwise decent potential to reach their market and do more business.

Mike and Bob, SEO Experts
Mike and Bob Are SEO Experts Now!

So, let’s say that this is the case with you, and business is so slow that you have time to take on a whole new job description on top of your regular job. Maybe you will delegate it to the receptionist, since the phones aren’t ringing anyway.

Even if you don’t make a mockery of your company by spamming to a disinterested audience in social media, it will be unlikely that you will do a better job than somebody who is already skilled in propensity modeling and market research.

Even if you don’t get your website banned by search engines for using SEO tactics you picked up at WarriorForum, you will never … and I mean never produce the same results as a studied SEO professional. I don’t mean the kid posting on WarriorForum who builds WYSIWYG websites with Dreamweaver or CoffeeCup. I mean the kind who will help you put your wallet back in your pocket before they would ever take your $699 for the instant-failure marketing plan you are asking for.

It is important to remember that for each customer you miss by doing things the wrong way, the cost goes up. You will also miss their repeat and referral business. If your business is already weak enough that you are trying to save money by doing your own marketing, it will likely become exceedingly worse the longer you do.

Have you ever heard that it is best to delegate tasks to people who know the job better than you? You will need a dentist someday. Do you want to take some dentistry courses so you can avoid hiring a dentist, too? What about auto mechanics?

Truly successful results in SEO and social media marketing do not come from people who are part-timers trying to be good at everything. Successful results come from people who do it all day and deep into night, and then lie awake in bed thinking about how they can do something bigger, better, and smarter tomorrow. You cannot get that from a quick course on how to become brilliant online. That comes from experience … hard-earned experience.

Enhance Your Existing Job with SEO and Social Media Marketing

Many people will try to learn more about SEO and social media marketing in order to enhance their existing job. This may have some benefit for people who are deeply entrenched in marketing, web development, web hosting, or other industry verticals. However, if you are not in one of these industry verticals, there really is not any value gained.

Social Media Recess
Social Media Recess

If you think that you will augment an existing job description by adding SEO and social media marketing to your task list, rub a lamp. That usually turns out about as good as the pool cleaner deciding to tinker on his client’s Porsche.

Do one job or the other, and make a decision. Being a little bit good at a lot of things is fine, but trying to be an expert with multiple things is about the worst career decision you will make. It may be helpful to know more, but do not expect it to be an enhancement, but rather a diversion. It will divert you from becoming even better at the job you already have.

Learning SEO and Social Media to Avoid Being Robbed

I think this is somewhat realistic, for a few people. I could see why somebody may want to know more about the industry to avoid being ripped off. This is even more important for a recruiter or hiring manager, but how much do you really need to know? There are some considerations to this which should eventually become obvious.

Avoid SEO Robbery!
Avoid SEO Robbery!

First: You can shop too much. It is easy to become confused, and if you are comparing the wrong things, you will get the wrong results.

Second: There are a lot of great liars in SEO and social media marketing. Look for quantifiable evidence proportionate with your objectives.

Third: Seeking good marketing should never conclude with the best liar, nor begin with the newest fool.

I think a lot of people in my industry can relate to this: My clients do not need to know everything about SEO and social media marketing. They just need to know that I do, and that I am not a conman. Learning a whole new job skill just to be a buyer is like learning automotive engineering just to buy a car. It does not scale well.

A little bit of reading things like “Good SEO vs. Bad SEO: How to Tell the Difference” and “7 SEO Lies: How to Know When the SEO is Lying” should be enough to make purposeful decisions. Then, if they pass those measures, read more about them, and find out what others say about them.

Lastly, if you are trying to learn SEO and social media marketing for shopping purposes, you will do well to read ““How Much Does SEO Cost?” is The Wrong Question”

Appear Cooler in Social Settings

Tweetups Make Me Cool!
Tweetups Make Me Cool!

Maybe you are looking for some cool factor in your social life. Heck, if you can learn SEO and social media marketing, maybe you will be better at arranging a tweetup or getting Facebook friends to love you. Maybe you could even use Twitter to get a bunch of people to go out for drinks with you.

Good luck, but wouldn’t it be more fun to just go out and get drunk without the curse of thinking about that new product launch. With all of those cell phone social media addicts around, you will never get drunk enough to have real fun. You don’t have to be an expert to make social media your party tool, just talk to any college student.

Aside from suckering people into paying your bar tab by sharing your expert advice, the return will probably be pretty low. I know, you may think it will help get them naked, and that is true, but so tacky!

In Summary of SEO and Social Media Marketing

Even with the very best alignment of the stars, and if you wake up to sex, coffee, and bacon every day, the job is still not easy. Finding people who are willing to do business instead of just talking about doing business is about as tough as pulling chicken teeth. There are so many bullshit sandwiches being served out every day that I am shocked McDonalds hasn’t put it on their menu.

Do you still want in? Tell me what you want to know, and I will give you my honest truth. Subscribe to my blog and I will give you some great tips and fresh ideas. If you just want to become an SEO and social media expert because it will make you rich and famous, back off … this industry will kill you and eat you before you will see success.

Photo Credits:
Paparazzi photo by internets_dairy via Flickr
Custom Trike by ale? via Flickr
Closing Arguments by Extraordinary Chambers in the Courts of Cambodia via Flickr

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WWW or No WWW is Not the Same! Fix with Htaccess 301 Redirect

Geeky SEO Made Easy
Geeky SEO Made Easy

This is an extremely important and yet simple to implement SEO tip about those “w’s” you often see in a web address. This will seem basic to many people, but it is shocking how often it is misunderstood, handled incorrectly, or overlooked. If you do not have this handled correctly this could make a huge improvement in your SEO efforts.

This is not just about whether somebody can arrive at your website by typing either domain.com or www.domain.com. This is about how Google and other search engines may see it as duplicate content, because it is actually the same thing in two locations. It is also about how all of the links pointing to these duplicate versions of your website are treated, and their value split in two – thus diluted. It will not cause a penalty imposed by the search engines, but there is still a real penalty to it, all the same.

Either version of www or non-www is fine, but it is important to choose one version and funnel your efforts toward the chosen version. If your website has more high quality existing links pointing to one version, that is the right one to use! If you don’t know, be sure to check both versions with a tool like Open Site Explorer.

Don’t Let the Big “Canonicalization” Word Scare You

Relax! I will make this easy for you. The abbreviated Murnahan version is this: Canonicalization means there is just one outcome for multiple possible actions. In this case, it means telling search engines to favor the outcome of your choosing (“www.” or no “www.”).

That big and scary word, “canonicalization“, reminds me that everybody is not familiar with technical SEO (search engine optimization) issues. There are even fewer people who understand and enjoy things like web server architecture, DNS, htaccess, 301 response codes, and other geeky delights which make me excited to wake up in the morning. Yes, I truly enjoy the geeky details of how this Internet works. I hope to make this easy enough that you will enjoy it, too! Well, I will at least make it easy, and I’m even going to provide a simple tool so you can check what your website is saying to the search engines.

WWW. is a Different Domain

When you go to a website, you will find that some of them use “www.” in front of the domain name (example: www.awebguy.com), and some of them do not. It is very common that both options will take you to the same place on the Internet, or at least the same information. That still does not mean search engines see it the same way as humans.

You can skip right to the bottom of this article to read the fix for this, but I think you will benefit by first understanding what is wrong, and why you should fix it.

Note: Even if both versions of www or without www show the same content (web page, video, image, etc.), the problem is not solved. It is common for web hosts to direct both versions to the same place using DNS (domain name service), but that is not the same as a 301 redirect telling search engines which version is the authoritative domain where the content should be indexed.

It is important to know that the domain name (example: awebguy.com) is the “root domain”. Anything coming before the awebguy.com, such as ftp.awebguy.com, pop.awebguy.com, smtp.awebguy.com and etcetera denotes a SUBdomain. Yes, of course, this includes www.awebguy.com, because it is a subdomain, too! An easy way to drive this home is to go to mail.google.com or to www.google.com … they are clearly different.

Now that we understand this point, let’s think of the www and non-www versions as two completely different domains. If somebody links to your website (and let’s hope they will) which one should they be linking to? Using a 301 redirect will actually reflect the correct address in the browser address bar, making it more likely that they will choose the right version when they want to link to your website. That is because before your web server even sent the page to the person visiting your website, it knew which version to send. In the event that somebody gets it wrong, a 301 redirect will tell search engines that the content they linked to is actually at the other location where it should be indexed.

Note: In order to know for certain what your web server is telling people, you must check your server’s HTTP response headers. Don’t worry, I made you a handy little tool to check your website.

What you want to know is whether the header begins with a “HTTP/1.1 200 OK” response, or a different response such as “HTTP/1.1 301 Moved Permanently”. Only one of the versions will return the 200 OK, while the alternate version may return something else … and perhaps even something unexpected. I made this really easy to check your server’s response headers here:

Enter a URL:

An easy way to see this in action is to type my web address into a browser with either version. If you type it in without the “www”, my web server will know what you meant, and it will deliver the document (web page) at the proper address at the www subdomain – with a “200 OK” status. This will also work similarly for every page on the domain / subdomain, because I use a 301 redirect that simply redirects everything at awebguy.com to its exact equivalent representation with the correct www address.

The SEO “WWW” Fix: HTACCESS and 301 Redirect

Since many people do not configure and manage their own web servers, this is the easiest fix for most websites. If you have access to your main server configuration, use that, but this is simply not the case for most website owners. This solution uses very simple “distributed configuration files” known as “htaccess” which allow you to configure functions on a directory level.

OK, now that I drove you out of your comfort zone with some big techie language, just breathe slowly and get your heart rate back to normal. I am not going to force feed you a bunch of web programming. The fix is actually quite easy, or at least it will be easy if you pay attention. If you own a website and any of this is just too complicated, it would be like owning a car and not knowing how to put gas in it. Should that person really be driving? This is not like rebuilding your car’s transmission … it is like filling it with gas.

The “htaccess” is just a simple little text file you can create and edit with a text editor such as Notepad, SimpleText, or Vi. If you already have an existing htaccess file, you may simply edit it to include additional functions at the bottom of the existing content. Don’t be afraid of it, because it is really not very tricky. It may sound tricky when you consider all the things it can do, but it is normally just a small file with a minimal amount of text in it.

Htaccess is a configuration file that tells your server certain things to do when people ask for your web pages or other website content. It can be used for functions such as password protecting a directory, blocking selected people from accessing your website, and much more. The file name does not look like a lot of them you may see, such as hello.txt or mynameisfred.html, but don’t let that scare you. The htaccess file will begin with a dot (yes, a dot … like this one .) and the full file name is actually “.htaccess“.

You can have multiple of these “.htaccess” files within your website, but the one we are talking about is in the “root directory”. Stop! Don’t get frustrated … that just means it is right there in the same place where your home page and other files are. For example, the file http://www.awebguy.com/murnahan.pdf is in my root directory, but if it was at http://www.awebguy.com/other-directory/murnahan.pdf it would be found in the “other-directory” directory.

If you do not already have any .htaccess files in your website, don’t worry. You can just create one from scratch with a text editor, save it to your computer as htaccess.txt, and then upload it to your website and rename it “.htaccess”.

Within this magical .htaccess file, it will look almost just like plain old English language, and should not be overwhelmingly technical. I will use my own domain name for the examples, but you would of course want to change that to your own. Well, unless you want to redirect your website visitors to my blog, and that is fine, too. There is a lot you can do with this, but I don’t want to explode any heads with all of this technical junk. Technical junk really is like using explosives, sometimes!

I mostly want to explain how to create a 301 Permanent Redirect from either your www to non-www or from non-www to www. In order to do this, all it takes is either editing your existing htaccess file and adding the selected version below into the file, or creating a new htaccess file with the same. You can change the domain to any domain you like, but you will probably want to change it from mine.

Remember to always create a backup copy of anything you edit. If you mess it up and you want me to play a sad tune on my violin, I get paid overtime for that! 🙂

Example of a 301 Permanent Redirect of WWW to Non-WWW

This is the code to use in your htaccess file for redirecting content to the non-www version of your website.

RewriteEngine On
RewriteBase /
RewriteCond % ^www.awebguy.com [NC]
RewriteRule ^(.*)$ http://awebguy.com/$1 [L,R=301]

Example of a 301 Permanent Redirect of Non-WWW to WWW

This is the code to use in your htaccess file for redirecting content to the www version of your website.

RewriteEngine On
RewriteBase /
RewriteCond % ^awebguy.com [NC]
RewriteRule ^(.*)$ http://www.awebguy.com/$1 [L,R=301]

There are many other handy things you can do with this, and some examples are below. Note that each of these should be created on a single line within the htaccess file.

Example of a 301 Permanent Redirect (note the local address then a space, and then the new URL)

RedirectPermanent /thispage2.html http://www.awebguy.com/thatpage2.php

Example of a 302 Temporary Redirect (this is the same format as 301, but without the “Permanent”)

Redirect /thispage.html http://www.awebguy.com/thatpage.php

Example of Custom 404 (page not found)

ErrorDocument 404 http://www.awebguy.com/404-file-name-here

Know Your Server’s Response Codes!
Even the difference in a slash at the end of an address makes the difference of a good “200 OK” response or a “301 Moved Permanently” or worse. You should be aware of the difference it makes.

I will reiterate … I made this really easy to see what your server is returning for any given web address. Check it here if you are not entirely sure:

Enter a URL:

Here are some additional resources about htaccess usage:

.htaccess on Wikipedia

Comprehensive guide to .htaccess

Well, there you have it … my answer to www vs. non-www and how to fix it easily with 301 redirect using htaccess. I told you I would make it simple. I welcome your feedback!

Reciprocal Link Exchanges Don’t Work!

Reciprocal Link Exchange Bullseye
Reciprocal Link Exchange Bullseye


I decided to title this article “Reciprocal Link Exchanges Don’t Work”. Perhaps even more appropriately, what I really mean is that reciprocal link exchanges are fool’s work.

Of course, I also know what people are more likely to search for after some crooked or inexperienced SEO (search engine optimizer) runs off with their money and leaves them with worse results than they started. So that is what I am here to explain. Join in the discussion if you have the need to defend your reciprocal link exchange strategy after reading this.

I know this may put a huge bullseye on my forehead with the slimier side of the SEO industry, but I say “bring it on!” Show me your best reciprocal link exchange, and I will show you foolishly exhaustive efforts with lackluster results.

I am not saying that it is a bad thing to cross-link websites, because sometimes there can be a synergy created. It can be useful in a limited few cases, but reciprocal link exchange is a very weak link building strategy. In fact, it is far more common for reciprocal link exchanges to be counterproductive. I’ll bet the last SEO you talked to didn’t tell you that.

Why Reciprocal Link Exchanges Exist

Links are the single most important and effective means to help your website rank highly in search engines. The links pointing to a website are used by search engines to measure the authority of a website overall, and for a given topic.

There are a lot of important contributors to high search engine ranking, but incoming links are the biggest factor. The structure and content of a website is extremely important, but without links pointing to all of that greatness, it will never rank well for competitive search phrases.

Because of the importance of incoming links, link exchanges have become the focus for many novice search engine optimizers and website owners who just don’t know how much they don’t know. Link exchanges fuel enough failed SEO link building efforts that if we could turn that into electricity, we could light a small country.

There are at least a squillion people out there trying to sell you links and trade links with you. If they have not reached you yet, it is because you don’t have any links. Once you have links to your website, and especially if you have a high Google PageRank, they will come to you in droves! All I have to do is check my email spam folder to find at least a thousand requests to exchange links or to hire some self-proclaimed “expert” to handle all of those link exchanges for me.

Reciprocal Link Exchange Motivation

I told you a bit of the motivation behind people wanting to exchange links with you, but what motivated me to write this? Maybe you think I am just trying to stand my industry on it’s ear, or maybe you will just think I am trying to mislead you. Yes, perhaps I am just trying to fool you in order to keep the SEO mystique alive, and try to cover up the truth about SEO. Maybe this whole “reciprocal link exchange” thing really is the big secret to SEO.

Just in case you are truly skeptical about this, I offer you this quote directly from Google Webmaster Central.

Your site’s ranking in Google search results is partly based on analysis of those sites that link to you. The quantity, quality, and relevance of links count towards your rating. The sites that link to you can provide context about the subject matter of your site, and can indicate its quality and popularity. However, some webmasters engage in link exchange schemes and build partner pages exclusively for the sake of cross-linking, disregarding the quality of the links, the sources, and the long-term impact it will have on their sites. This is in violation of Google’s Webmaster Guidelines and can negatively impact your site’s ranking in search results. Examples of link schemes can include:

  • Links intended to manipulate PageRank
  • Links to web spammers or bad neighborhoods on the web
  • Excessive reciprocal links or excessive link exchanging (“Link to me and I’ll link to you.”)
  • Buying or selling links that pass PageRank

Of course, there are a lot of people who will say that Google is lying, too. The complete failure of that logic is that it is contrary to Google’s own interest to lie about how to rank well in their search engine. Google wants to include your website in their results, and they work hard to try and help website owners to do the right thing. If you still feel skeptical, please read this article titled “Brandon’s Baseball Cards and Google SEO Starter Guide” which explains Google’s motivation, and their efforts to help you.

If you really want more links, do something useful, creative, or otherwise more like sex and bacon. Take it from Google’s head of webspam, Matt Cutts. Here is a video of Matt talking about building links.

Matt Cutts (and common sense) said this: “the best links are earned and given by choice.“ Unless common sense is a totally worthless concept, what Matt said still holds true today, tomorrow, and always.

Reciprocal Link Exchange Foolishness

I will write more about link building soon, but I want to offer you some thoughts about links. If it was really as easy as just trading reciprocal links and submitting your website to search engines and directories, don’t you think the usefulness would wear off? If there was a way to cheat search engines, don’t you think they would fix the problem?

Maybe you heard that the magical fix is to use indirect, three way link exchanges. If you buy into that, you still have the wrong mindset of trying to shortcut the best practices. I mean the practices which work within the guidelines of a well organized system of both technology and people.

Consider that if you are seeking a link exchange with another website, who do you expect it to benefit the most … your website, or the other website? That’s right, you want it to benefit you more than the other guy. Now, when people come to you seeking a link exchange, don’t you think their answer is the same?

Links Are Not Equal in Value

According to Google Webmaster Tools, this blog you are reading has just a little over 50,000 links pointing to it. It is a small number compared to a lot of projects I work on, but large compared to a lot of one-person blogs. The number is not the part which matters the most, and not the point I want to make. They are not all “awesometacular” links from “amazinglicious” websites, but there is not a single one of them that comes by way of a reciprocal link exchange. These links exist because I concentrate on providing value to people first, and search engines second.

Not a Single Link Exchange!
Not a Single Link Exchange!

Links are not created equally. I could demonstrate this in about as many ways as I can chug a beer, and I am Irish, so that is a lot. Only a limited percentage of the links to any website will provide significant value. As an example of this, just compare the more than 50,000 links referenced in Google Webmaster Tools to the 8,774 which are measured by the respected SEOmoz Open Site Explorer. A huge number of the 50K links are not even visible by most measures. That is the same kind of links that comprise the vast majority of reciprocal link exchanges!

aWebGuy.com Links Measured by Open Site Explorer
aWebGuy.com Links Measured by Open Site Explorer

Consider the the ratio of quality links created “organically” because somebody saw value in your website, compared to “junk” links. If you can measure it, don’t you think a search engine such as Google can as well?

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