ad copywriting Archives by Mark Murnahan

Grammatical Reasons They’re Taking Their Business Over There

There are spelling and grammar errors that can make you look astonishingly lazy, and then there are spelling and grammar errors which simply make you appear stupid. The lazy errors happen to the best of us. I have never read a book that did not have an error, somewhere, even after many rounds of professional editing. Hekc, you may even find an error here on my blog.

I cannot expect people to be perfect, but what I can do is have a whole lot of fun at their expense. Perhaps you do not feel strongly about these failures of education, but do you ever read something which indicates that you are shopping in the wrong place?

I encounter horrible spelling and grammar every day, and I often wonder how these perpetrators of illiteracy keep up their fight to grow a business. Below are some brain-failures I hope to one day see eradicated.

Your Prolly May Hate Me For This

I think the first time I saw “prolly” used in somebody’s marketing material, I wondered what other kind of seafood they had. A “prolly” is the deep sea cousin of a prawn, right? Otherwise, I am at a loss to understand how anybody could slaughter a word so horribly.

I later learned that they were probably referring to the probability of business failure for being so damn lazy. “Prolly” is not a word, but if it ever becomes a word, I imagine that it will probably be used to describe a deep sea crustacean.

You’re Not Using Your Head

“You’re” is a contraction that means “you are” and “your” is a second-person pronoun meaning something belonging to the subject, you. “Ur” is deep sea text messaging code that the prolly kids use to keep grown-ups from understanding what the heck they are saying.

If you try telling me “your going to love our stuff” you had better be giving it away, because I am not buying it. My what is going to love your stuff? My wife, my kids, my libido? If you say “your going to love our stuff” you need to add something to help me understand you better. Perhaps you meant “your prolly is going to love our stuff!”

If you use “ur”, I may boil you in a seafood gumbo. There is not even a “dumb camp” for people so dumb to try and pass off “u” or “ur” as words. That is, unless you’re a 14 year old prolly girl and want to disarm the boys by downplaying your intelligence.

The words “you’re” and “your” are not even close to the same thing, and they are pronounced differently as well. Maybe understanding the pronunciation will help you to remember the correct usage. “You’re” begins with the sound of the word “you” and since it is a contraction, it slurs in the word “are”. Try it out and begin with “you” and add “are” and keep slurring them together faster until it sounds right.

The pronunciation of “your” rhymes with lore, more, store, and whore. So if you think about using the word “your” try using it as follows: “Your store is creating more lore.” Now remember that if you are talking about somebody’s whore, you can use the word “your”, because it is something they posses. It is their whore, and it shows possession. On the other hand, if you say “You’re whore”, you just called them a whore, because you said “you are whore”. That makes it more personal and is more likely to start a fight than simply talking about the whore they possess. You might just as well talk bad about their prolly while you are tossing around the insults.

One more thing: “Youre” is another prolly word. Please refrain from using it unless you are deep in the ocean and related to prawns.

They’re Going to Take Their Money Over There

If you don’t get this one by the time I am done, you should be sent to swim with the prolly. Again with the damn contractions. I largely avoid contractions, in speech and in writing, but they are widely accepted in the twisted version of the Queen’s English that is used in my country.

“They’re” means “they are”, “their” means that they possess it, and “there” means somewhere else or the existence of something. Here is some practice for you to consider: There is a good chance they’re going to take their money over there if you screw these up. Now read this sentence again and think really hard.

There is a good chance they’re going to take their money over there if you screw these up.

“Their” is a personal pronoun. If you remember that lesson about “your whore”, just flip that around and now you are talking about their whore. If you get this wrong they’re probably going to take their money somewhere else … over there.

Your Till Will Ring Less ‘Til You Stop Abusing This

Note that I have edited this for clarification after receiving a comment (below) assuming I had a problem with using “till”, which is not the case. The problem is in trying to make a contraction of “until”. Think for just a moment about the word “until”. Until is just five letters long, but I see a lot of people who try to shorten it. If you want to shorten “until” consider how you may do so with the least absurdity. Would you add another letter to the word that did not previously exist and say “‘till“. That seems kind of useless, considering that you just removed one letter and added another letter plus one more character. In this case, maybe you mean the word till. Otherwise, “until” is still five characters long in this iteration ( ‘-t-i-l-l ), but it makes you look five times as stupid! I suppose you can get a down home feel by using “’til“, which would be the correct usage if there were an acceptable contracted version of until. On closer inspection you may notice that it is still only one character shorter.

A “till” is a place where money is stored, or something you do to the field before you plant corn to make your whiskey. Until you understand that “until” only has one letter “L”, and that till is not a contracted version of until, you may sound like you are drinking from a still. At least you will sound like a hillbilly for trying to make a contraction of the word until, in case that is what you are after.

The Alot Eats Prolly

I find a lot of people who like the “Alot”, but they abuse him. The Alot is a unique creature, and should not be taken for granted. I do not have a lot better way to describe the Alot than to introduce you to the creature in a blog article titled “The Alot is Better Than You at Everything“. Here is a snippet for you:

The Alot is an imaginary creature that I made up to help me deal with my compulsive need to correct other people’s grammar. It kind of looks like a cross between a bear, a yak and a pug, and it has provided hours of entertainment for me in a situation where I’d normally be left feeling angry and disillusioned with the world.

For example, when I read the sentence “I care about this alot,” this is what I imagine:
(see Hyperbole and a Half)

I have just one more thing to mention on the subject. Get your “‘s” (apostrophe s) and “s'” (apostrophe s’) right. If it needs an apostrophe or does not, you should learn the difference and also the correct placement. Otherwise, don’t blame me if your customer rides their alot over there to another store to buy their prolly.

What Makes You Want to Rant?

I could go on with rants about bad grammar until I am as blue as a prolly. What makes you want to rant? Perhaps it is people who correct your grammar? 😉

The Power of Written Words on Day 3,479

I thought for a moment that this article belongs on another of my blogs, but then I realized how it fits here as well. This is a bit different from my typical marketing article. It is a piece that I posted on Facebook in November of 2008 addressing the power of written words. It is not specifically marketing oriented, but it does involve something that bloggers and marketers deal with, which is that of having the right words, and the importance of written words. In this case, it addresses the power of a love letter, but it has a good message that can be applied to many other relationships in your life.

I will note that today is number 3,479. It is also my eighth wedding anniversary, which gives me even more reason to honor the day with something meaningful. This story is about day 2,912. I hope that you will enjoy this inspiration. Here you go:

How Do You Remember Day Number 2,912?

As I witness friends with troubles in their marriages, I am reminded of many whom have come to me or to my wife for advice and counseling. I got to thinking about why we are so popular in this area, but it should be no surprise. We have a great marriage. We communicate our feelings, and let down our pride when it is necessary. We show our love every day, and we do not take the other for granted.

We always try to help our friends when they come to us with marital struggles, and sometimes we are really helpful, but I thought a proactive approach would be even better.

I guess I am trying to lead by example, in hopes that others may start to think of their relationships, and how they can be even better. I wish to inspire others to share their love with their spouses and loved ones, and never wait for a better time.

Put it in writing. It is far too easy to let another day slip by without putting it in writing. Our days together come and go, and the opportunities to put feelings into words diminish with each moment, and with each heartbeat.

The written word cannot be taken away. When you put it in writing, it is a promise … a contract of how you were feeling at the moment it was written. There is no substitute for the written word. We say “I love you” so much that the meaning is often not taken. A love letter is timeless, and it may be just what you need.

It does not have to be complicated. Hiring a pilot to write it in the sky does not show that you care more, and the big gestures like that are often far less frequent than what he or she deserves. Just a quick compliment or something romantic on a Post-It Note can do the trick, if you do it with feeling. It is even better if you do it often.

Let it get your heart pumping. Let it get your tears flowing. Don’t be ashamed to feel, and never be afraid that it will not be taken right. Just the act of thinking about them and putting it in writing can be great for both of you.

There is not a perfect love letter. If I ever thought there was a perfect love letter, I would just make copies and give it to my wife each day. Keep practicing. You will get better at it, and you will love the way it makes you and the special recipient feel.

Say it with meaning, and be very personal. Don’t re-write it a bunch of times to get it just right. Write it, deliver it, and repeat. Here is a quick and simple example:

Dearest Peggy,

I am writing this to you today as a profession of my love. Today is not an anniversary, or a date that would immediately spark a memory. Today is another date in the calendar of our marriage that may one day be just a blur along with the other 2,912 days we have spent together. Today represents another thread in the tapestry that makes up our lifetime together.

Why should I choose to write this today? It is because I love you. I love you every day. I love you with all my heart. Day number 2,913 may not be our greatest. Our days are numbered, and we may not yet know how truly meaningful day number 2,912 is to us.

On day number 2,912 I am reminded of day 556. Day 556 was the day I promised to love, honor, and keep you for all the days of my life. I am reminded of our great pride 2,210 days ago when our son was born, and two days later when we brought him home and wondered “what do we do with him now?” Then just 223 days later, we were wondering how to postpone his walking just a little longer, because “they just aren’t supposed to do that yet”. I am reminded of day 1580 when we rushed to the delivery of our baby girl, and how you were so strong as you pushed through the labor, and how pleased you looked when I introduced you to her for the first time. It is hard to believe that was 1,332 days ago, or that it was 55 days ago when we heard our new baby’s heartbeat and that we will do it all again in the vicinity of day 3,062.

I am reminded of these days, along with the many days of sadness for the death of loved ones, successes and failures, good times and bad times. Best of all, I remember those little moments in between. I remember days at the park, holding hands, stomping around in puddles, cooking a great meal, cuddling on the couch. I remember knowing that you were there each of these 2,912 days, receiving my love with an open heart.

Today is a great day to love you. I look forward with great joy to spending day number 2,913 with you.

All my love,

Mark Aaron

This was a while back, and now we have another member in the family, Jack Walden Murnahan. Things have changed, but one thing that does not change is the power of written words. Use them, practice them, and never forget their importance!

Hookers Write the Best Blogs

Who would have guessed that hookers write the best blogs? In this fast-paced scan-and-click Internet world, what are people actually reading? It may sound crazy, but you could learn a lot from a hooker.

With over 200 million blogs on the Internet, who can slow down and read the whole thing? Hookers know the answer, and it is really pretty basic. When you hook the reader right up front, they will have more reason to keep reading and want to know more. So keep reading! I wrote this to help you get more productivity from your time online, and if you are a blog author, to help your readers get more from your articles.

Bloggers and Hookers

If you are a writer, it is your responsibility to assure readers a good value for their time. But first, you must give them an incentive … a hook. Thus, a writer with a good hook could be called a “hooker”. In order to do this, effectively, you really must think about the way you read. I have often found myself scanning through information in such a mad rush that I sometimes miss the good stuff. Consider for a moment how many articles you start to read but never finish. You only get a fraction of the message because you toss them aside and click on the next flashy thing that catches your eye. Your readers are not so different. A look at your Website statistics will show how long an average visitor spends on your site, and it is never as long as you would like. So, if you are a good hooker, “turning the trick” is the next big battle.

Turning the Trick

This happened to me just yesterday. I was reading a blog post that I thought was kind of interesting. I put it aside and figured I would read the rest later. I thought it was good enough that I tweeted it (sent a message using Twitter.com), but I almost didn’t finish it. Just a moment later, I saw that somebody “re-tweeted” it. The article very nearly ended up in my vast “to read” pile (which often remains unread). Once I read just a bit more, I could not stop … I was hooked! The terrible part is that I almost missed reading something that I ultimately found very interesting and useful.

So, in the example above, where did this all go wrong? I had actually read far enough to know it was a good article. The hook had been set, right? Wrong! The author almost lost me, and not because it got boring, but rather because he did not set the hook deep enough, fast enough. If the author had fully engaged me in the very beginning, I could have probably suffered through a lot of boring reading, just assuming there was something coming to re-spark my interest.

Quality Ad Copy

Quality ad copy always starts with a hook. If you get that part right, the rest is much easier. If you canont come up with the right hook, get help from a friend or hire a professional.

Quality ad copy with a good hook is more important on the Internet than any other place. You only have seconds to reach your readers. I don’t know any writer who feels good about losing a reader early, and when it comes to business writing, it hurts your bottom line. I personally love to look at my reader statistics to see people spending a lot of time on a page. This means they are actually getting what I tell them. It means I have done my job well, which is very satisfying to me. Be sure to look at your statistics, and if users are coming but not staying long, you are probably not setting the hook.

Am I a Hooker?

Yes, I am a hooker for hire. I got you to read this far, didn’t I? If I can do that, just imagine what I can do to help you reach more people and “hook” your audience. Of course, I don’t want to lose you here, because the good stuff is yet to come. If it will help you, take a deep breath, stand up and shake, get a cup of coffee, or do whatever you need to do, and then when you are ready … come back and read some more of my blog. Perhaps my section on SEO Lessons and the importance of quality Internet marketing will interest you, or take your pick from the left side of this page. This is all here to help you, and I will try to not let you down.

Origin of the Word “Hooker”

Since this blog post refers to hookers, I thought I would share this clever video to explain the origin of the word “hooker”. Enjoy! Oh, and Please Tweet This!