Facebook Archives - Page 2 of 11 by Mark Murnahan

Bashing SEO and Social Media Experts: Humor or Hazard?

I had to ask myself whether this is humor or hazard for me to give a swing at our ever-increasing population of SEO and social media “experts”. I guess the idea gave me just a little guilt pang at first, because I always heard that I should treat people the way I want to be treated. Who am I to tell anybody they don’t have what it takes?

Then I grinned from ear to ear, tucked my sweet love-everybody nature back in my shorts, and put my middle finger in the air. After all, this is not “biting the hand that feeds me” … this is harsh and very real truth. This is about educating, and saving a few lucky others from huge disappointments. This is about shining a spotlight on liars. This is a glimpse of reality! In fact, it is a reality that I intend to illustrate for you very clearly.

Are All SEO Liars?

No, not all search engine optimizers are liars. There truly is an enormous value in the trade, but because of that, it has attracted a lot of liars. Any good SEO knows that there is no reason to lie about the service. They may even help you to understand the most common lies of the industry. For example, here are a couple useful articles: “7 SEO Lies: How to Know When the SEO is Lying” or Good SEO vs. Bad SEO: How to Tell the Difference. Each of these include objective means to weed out the liars and cheats.

On the other hand, many self-proclaimed SEO will make claims like the one I found on Twitter pictured below. I am only listing one, but not because I have a problem with this one in particular. I just picked this one at random, but I actually dislike all of the squillion others out there lying to people about SEO. I just don’t want to waste more time making a huge list of them.

The Classic 2000 Website Visitors Per Hour Pitch

Khubah Jogja offers the opportunity to “make money online” and “get 2k visitor per hour”. That’s great, right?! I guess it may sound great, but then I checked out this Twitter user’s website and imagine what I found … some reality! The funny thing is that they actually have their website statistics viewable to the public using a service called “whos.amung.us”.

The biggest hour I found was three visitors, and the maximum visitors in a day was sixteen. In the image shown here, the one visitor represented was me. That is kind of a stretch from 2,000 per hour.

I don’t want to leave this up for too much confusion, so I checked with Alexa, Open Site Explorer, and others. Two thousand visitors per hour was not to be found. Then again I knew that already when I saw the article claiming that keyword meta tags make a big influence in search ranking. Not just that it was total crap, the article was not dated 1998 … it was from this year! If you think that old meta tags pitch is true, it will serve you well to read “SEO Meta Tags: Oh, You Must Be Another SEO Expert!”

Social Media Expert / Cattle Farmer

Perhaps not every instance is so extreme as the social media strategist / cattle farmer depicted here, but I really need to share this with you, because it almost made me pee myself with laughter and sob at the same time!

It is funny, but actually sad when you think of how widely accepted total confusion has become in social media.

I know that farming and ranching is hard work. It is really tough to get ahead in that industry, so why not augment the income and work as a social media strategist? That may just be the perfect fit!

Social Media Strategy ... or Cows ... We Have it All!

Yes, you can call me a jackass for singling this poor dear out. I mean, after all, at least she didn’t use a picture of some young hot chick in her profile, the way so many others do. In fact, she looks downright sweet, and wholesome. She is probably a really nice person, too … but she is also lying to herself and others. Her appearance would absolutely not turn me away if I was in the market for cows and chickens. Social media strategy, on the other hand, requires something other than just being sweet.

According to her website at “Lynda’s Social Media Strategy“ she is suggesting to “Use Social Media to Promote Your Business”. She even has descriptions and very low prices for her services. It includes pricing for a service that I pointed out as an absurdity and largely a rip-off a while back when I wrote “Hourly Rate for Setting Up Social Media Profiles?!”

How We Do it Down on the Social Media Strategy Farm

Contrary to her own advice and service offerings, when I clicked on the social media links on the right side of her page where it says “Follow”, I found a non-existent Blogger profile, the link to edit a LinkedIn account, links to Digg and Delicious (but not to a specific profile), an incorrect Feedburner link, a Facebook personal profile with 28 friends, a MySpace account, and a Twitter account.

Being a social media strategist, you may think she would use social media a lot. She was pretty scarce across the board, but I enjoyed this example. Within the Twitter account, the last five updates included a lot of weather change as follows:

“Snow outside. Good time to do some ghostwriting.” (on 20 January)

Then, five tweets and six months later …

“It’s hot no rain pasture’s drying up feed bill going up everything’s going up except my pay. Oh well…could be worse.” (on 19 July … earlier today)

I thought to myself that maybe she is actually doing what she says, and using her social media strategies for her own business down on the ranch. No, there was not a single social media instance of anything whatsoever at the Belle Manor Farms website. Go ahead … see how Lynda’s social media strategy is working out for her. Check out the Lynda’s Social Media Strategy Facebook Page that I only found after looking it up on her personal Facebook profile (not on her website). Maybe you could give it a “Like” for sympathy, since nobody else has.

Perhaps I’m just not clear on this yet, but it seems that Lynda, like so many others, is struggling with confusion of the difference between social media strategy and social media tactics.

Now Let’s Bash Murnahan

I know I may seem to be a real jackass when I ask questions like “Why Do You Want to Become an SEO and Social Media Expert?”

Maybe I’m just jealous of them for having a lack of a conscience. Maybe I’m bitter with them for becoming experts without actually having to spend decades to learn about marketing. Maybe I’m pissed because they get to have fun jobs outside of the Internet, while I am stuck here all day as CEO of a decade-old Internet company.

Sure, if I could have done it so easily, I would have a lot less gray hair today. Let me explain something for you, though, before you start calling me names.

Just because a person has a new computin’ machine does not mean they have an equal shot at this mythical money generator that people make the Internet out to be.

Just because “everybody” said you will miss huge opportunities by not being on Facebook, Twitter, Google+, and the many other social metworks, it does not mean those “huge opportunities” are what they told you, or that they will come to you without equally huge effort.

Maybe “everybody” was exaggerating just a tiny bit when they said you would “earn millions online … easy … in your pajamas!” Maybe “everybody” was not lying to you, but just made it a little easier to lie to yourself.

There are a lot of damn liars out there on the Internet! Worse yet, the online marketing fields of SEO (search engine optimization) and social media marketing have them breeding like cockroaches. I think that an astonishing number of them are lying to themselves.

I hope you don’t let them lie to you, too. There are no “innocent victims” in these cases, because we each have the same opportunities to gather due diligence. The victims are better described as “ignorant victims”.

So, was it humor or hazard that I chose to share this with you? In my opinion, the humor is that anybody could actually be fooled by such absurdities. The hazard is that such absurdities even exist.

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5 Spam Tactics Good People Use to Kill Business Efforts

I am being pretty generous by using “spam” and “good people” in the same line, but I am trying to be forgiving. As surprising as it may seem, there are instances where otherwise good people will do spammy things which tarnish their business hopes. I don’t mean the canned meat, SPAM®, either. I mean the spam that happens when people try anything to get your attention.

I view spam as a desperate attempt to be productive while using counterproductive means.

When I say that it is an otherwise good person, it is often simply because they don’t know any better. They get confused by so much hype about the Internet, and end up doing spammy things that tarnish their business hopes, and hurt their chances for successful business communication.

Spam Tactic Number One: Company Names

It may seem innocuous to use a company name instead of a human name, but there is a time and a place for each. You may think this is subjective, but the numbers have come in, and if you are making this mistake, you are very likely hurting your odds.

Regardless what some flunky want-to-be “expert” may have told you, if you are not communicating explicitly on behalf of a company entity, it is best to use your human name. Even in those cases when it is “all business”, if you will be accepting any feedback, you should include your name. You know … the one your parents gave you.

An instance of this spam offense which has come back to hurt thousands of unwitting businesses is creating a Facebook Profile under the company name, but then having it deleted for a Facebook terms of service violation. Why would Facebook delete a profile with a business name? The answer is easy … because they should have been using a Facebook Page. If you don’t know the difference, or just how much it matters, you would be wise to read “Facebook Profiles Are Not For Business … Facebook Pages Are!”

You may argue the perceived benefit of using a company name in place of a personal name all you like, but before you get too set on your opinions, you may want to read an article titled “Social Media Profiles: Keywords, Company Names, and Humans“. It will explain how some of the best researched companies in the world are handling the matter. If you think that using your company name as a replacement for your given name is a good idea, think again!

There are many instances when the brand of a person is far more important than the brand of a company. Sometimes the company name adds authority to the person, but it is even more common that a person adds authority to the company. Heck, in my instance, only a small percentage of people I communicate with are aware that I am CEO of a successful decade-old wholesale Internet services corporation. The ones who need to know (customers and potential customers) are very aware. It shows up on their bill.

A real person with a human name will win the hearts and minds of people over companies every time. Many successful corporations know this, and prove it to be true.

Spam Tactic Number Two: Being False

Claiming to be something or somebody else is just asking for trouble, but it happens all the time. It is more common in personal communications than in business, but it happens in business more than you may like to imagine. This is done in many forms, but I will classify it as “Hot Chick Spam”.

I recall a specific instance of a beautiful lady (or “hot chick” if you prefer) whom I quickly realized was not what she claimed. It was a man who used a name and photograph of a beautiful woman instead of his own, because he was sure that more people would listen to and buy from a good looking woman.

There are certain word patterns, even in short Twitter messages which can give away even the best lies, as well as other obvious discovery tools. In the instance of my “hot chick” example, it only took a moment to figure out that it was a man, so I looked up the website owner with a WHOIS lookup and made a phone call. As I expected, when I asked to speak with the woman from Twitter, the truth came out really quick!

He got over this absurd plan for success once I pointed out how easily he could be exposed. His company also ended up hiring me to handle the search engine optimization for a highly competitive million+ page website. No, will not tell you who he/she was … under any circumstances! What I can tell you is that their business communications are far more legitimate and far more effective now that the company is represented by real people.

Spam Tactic Three: Spammy Blog Comments

If you have a blog, you surely get spam comments, but did you know that some people actually think it is a good strategy? This spam offense aligns with the previous two, but it goes further, and it can become a very destructive tactic for the spammer and the blog owner alike.

This is What Blog Comment Spam Looks Like to a Blog Owner

This spam tactic is generally executed by using industry keywords (or a company name) in place of a proper name when posting comments to a blog. Since those keywords will then be the link text pointing to the spammer’s website, it is assumed that it will be great for search engine ranking. It makes sense, right? If it could only be so easy, don’t you think everybody would do it? Then it would just be a battle to see who could produce the largest amount of spam. Actually, that does pretty well sum up this kind of spammer’s mentality, but they are so wrong, and they kill their chances of success like you may never believe! Search engines are simply not this stupid.

Ironically, this particular tactic was also previously implemented by the company I mentioned in “Spam Tactic Two.” In their case, they had paid some guys in India to write thousands of pithy blog comments including their website links. They got some extra website visitors out of it, but not the paying kind. When their website was brutally punished by Google and other search engines, they were ready to jump out of a third story window. You know … not really committed to death, but definitely upset enough for a jump.

If you think that something may be spammy, it probably is. I recently replied to this kind of spammer, and he actually answered back saying that he was not a spammer. My answer to that was as follows:

I am glad you responded. I just figured it was pretty unlikely that Mother Business Card and Father Brochure actually came together and decided to name their little beloved one “Logo Designer”.
REF: SPAM or Not SPAM? The First Test is Your Name!

Many people agree with my view of blog spammers, but apparently some people still don’t grasp the downsides.

Spam Tactic Four: Follow Me!

There are many obvious examples of this spam tactic found every minute of the day on Facebook and Twitter. It is commonly expected that having a lot of people “follow” what you have to say will matter. But guess what?! Those people who are quick to follow you without a good reason are also likely following about a squillion others just like you. They aren’t paying close attention and just waiting for the right time to send you a wallet full of money. They are usually just following you so that you will follow them back. You know, because that way you will both gain some amazing authority.

The truth that is hard to drive home is that more is not always better. I have given examples of this more times than I can count, but people usually have to make their own mistakes before they learn.

It stunned me how many people thought it was a useful action-list when I wrote a completely smart assed article titled “How To Become Popular on Twitter Without Actually Being Useful“. Apparently a whole lot of people missed my disclaimer that stated as follows:

“If you follow this list without deviation, you are sure to become massively popular. Just remember that if anybody says “I hate you and hope you die a miserable death” or “You deserve a really bad case of herpes” … those people are just jealous because they will probably never be as popular as you.”

It does not always have to be an extreme overstatement or effort to be spam-like. If you want people to follow you just to feel better, try buying a feather … they tickle, too!

This obese woman selling weight loss has offered to help me build a huge following on Twitter. — Obese Woman Selling Weight Loss

When the “Twitter Follower Frenzy” or “Facebook Please Like Me” epidemic gets to be so desperate as this obese woman selling weight loss and trying to tell me how to grow a huge Twitter following, it is a clear failure (click the image to enlarge). Note: She has six people following her. Perhaps she meant something else when she said “huge”.

If tweeting and facebooking to a large number of people who do not care about what you have to say is really so useful, how are you measuring that success? Is it in the bank?

People who fall into this addictive need to spam more disinterested people will be better off measuring the cost of their missed opportunities from all that wasted time and energy. If you have fallen prey to the disease, it is time to regroup and get some help to develop a better strategy.

Spam Tactic Five: Shooting at Innocent Bystanders

Trying to reach everybody, instead of a targeted audience is really the widest use of spam. Do you remember how I defined spam as a desperate attempt to be productive while using counterproductive means? Trying to reach everybody is about the worst conceivable spam of all. It not only wastes the time and resources of the spammer, but can create a lot of other possible business communication side-effects.

A Lot of Ammunition is Good, But Sharper Aim is Better!

Before trying to market something, it is important to remember that “everybody” does not want what you offer for sale. “Everybody” is not a target. Lack of focus is the most costly mistake any company can make in marketing, and is often the biggest missing piece in a failed campaign.

The task of targeted marketing using customer modeling based on demographics, psychographics, and propensity analysis really does make the difference. You can count on it!

If you target the right people, and stop shooting blindly, you will no longer need to reach all of the people. The right ones will do the “heavy lifting” for you. When others are promoting your virtues on your behalf, it is no longer spam … it is marketing.

Spam Tactics and the Ignorant

Sure, anybody can be guilty from time to time, and sometimes a small degree of spamminess is just an accident. Ignorance does not mean a person is stupid, but simply that they don’t know any better.

I know that some people will try until their last breath to defend these atrocities. That would be easier than admitting to making huge errors. Maybe they believed a bad pitch from an ignorant marketing agency, or they believed the fairy dust that so many people are promoting each day about Internet marketing.

Sometimes it is the company itself that is the perpetrator of the spamminess, but even more often it is because they trusted the wrong people to handle it for them. I have encountered many companies that believed a crooked marketing consultant, without ever caring to understand whether their tactics were sustainable, and an overall strategy was never even a consideration.

Once the pain sets in, it is too late, and they end up paying somebody like me a whole lot more money to fix their mistakes. That is, to fix the mistake of their prior ignorance.

An even more tragic result is that many companies will keep trying to do the things which do not work, just because they refuse to listen to good advice. When their marketing isn’t working for them, they assume the whole thing just doesn’t work.

These are the people I call the willingly confused. I generally try to be forgiving and patient with them, but those are not my strongest traits. The reason my patience often fails is not because of ignorance, alone, but rather the apathy which so often comes along with it. When you throw a dose of apathy on top of ignorance, the ignorance is sustained because they don’t care enough to overcome it.

Without apathy, ignorance is much easier to fix. When people care to do better, and to know more, ignorance fades with each thing they learn. If you know somebody going down this path, you will be kind to warn them.

Photo Credits:
No Pooping by johannal via Flickr
World Cup Babes Australia by gnews pics via Flickr

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Social Media History Shows What Success is Really Made Of

History provides some excellent lessons. It frequently tells us what works, and what does not work. This goes for aircraft engineering, brain surgery, particle physics, and social media, too!

Don’t tease me for my aging view of this topic, because sometimes an old-timer may just have something useful to offer. I have been sitting here at my computer for many years longer than your average social media expert, guru, maven, evangelist, or whatever the kids are calling them these days.

I watched Yahoo rise straight out of the dirt where we planted our fax machines and ARPANET, and I used it. I used it a lot, and my friends did, too. We told people about it. Yahoo grew, and relationships flourished.

I remember the days shortly after some bright Stanford University students named Larry Page and Sergey Brinn launched a new website to help make better sense of the growing Internet. It used a sophisticated democratic process to reflect what people like. The voting happened when other people linked to your website, and that process is still used today.

There are a few people who will read this and nod with amusement and agreement, but a lot who will never imagine a scratched MP3, or their mix tape being eaten by a cassette player. If you mention 8 Track or Quadraphonic sound systems, they are lost without those clever Stanford students who had a googol-dollar idea and named it Google.

Old-timers used Google, too, and even long before “google” became a verb, we told people about it.

Whether you consider the examples of explosive growth of social networks themselves, or anything else that becomes successful online, there are some principles which always hold true. Yahoo, Google, Facebook, Twitter, and even cupcakes in Topeka, Kansas all have some things in common. They have each produced something that made people want to tell others about them!

“Webmasters” and Early Online Social Media

In those early days of social media, there was actually a job status of “Webmaster”. It described somebody who had a “mastery” level understanding of the Web, including hardware, network architecture, software, programming, design, data integrity/security, and website promotion. It eventually became too much for an individual human to withstand, and those Webmasters’ duties were appropriately divided into multiple departments, and job descriptions became more specialized.

The early days of “easy online success” faded fast, and before very long, anybody with a Yahoo Geocities account or a pre-installed copy of Microsoft FrontPage Express could tag themselves as the “Webmaster”. The first generations are the people who used to actually spell things without spell check, saw programming code when they closed their eyes, and who stuck their geeky necks out to create and share the Internet as we know it.

Even back then, we had people with exceptional social media talent. They told people about great new things, they shared useful information, and they used each of the things I am about to describe. We just didn’t call it social media, yet.

The Success Tools Changed … The Rules Didn’t

Maybe you don’t think of Yahoo or Google as social networks, now that you have Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, YouTube, Foursquare, Gowalla, and a squillion others, plus a squillion-squillion blogs, and an app for everything.

The way I remember it is that I met some of my best friends in Yahoo Chat Clubs, Yahoo Groups, and AOL. Yes … America Online. I met people from all around the world since back in the 1990’s, and we are still communicating on Twitter, Facebook, and the rest of the evolved social networks.

Relationships Thrived When AOL Launched AOL Instant Messenger

Meeting most of my closest friends online sounded crazy to a lot of people back then. It was crazy enough that when I started dating my wife in 2000, we were afraid to tell her parents how we had met. Eleven years, three kids, and a lot of computer upgrades later, we still marvel at the community we built using social media.

If you don’t already know my online career history, my résumé certainly shows that I go way back as a “geek”. During that time, I have witnessed many online success stories. I have been very fortunate to participate in many, as well. So, let’s look at what has been historically successful, and why?

Each of the online successes you have heard of, including Amazon, eBay, YouTube, Google, Yahoo, and etcetera, each had some things in common. The same things that made them successful are the things that create success today … every day. Allow me to share these observations.

Social Media Success Factor One: Usefulness With Convenience

Usefulness and convenience have a huge place in the history of social media success.

Back in the old days, and even more profoundly today, Internet users show a very finicky nature. As the Internet grew bigger, users realized that if they don’t find exactly what they want, immediately, they can find it in just a couple clicks. So being useful, convenient, and worthy of their attention has always been critical to success.

Imagine if Google required you to jump through hoops to get to what you are looking for. They knew better, so they made it as convenient as possible to enjoy their usefulness.

It really doesn’t matter what industry you are in, or what cause you are promoting. Whether you are selling cars, cigars, or surgical supplies, you must find ways to become useful. Being useful can mean that you are helping somebody learn about a topic, learn what they need to know in order to buy something, or just helping them with a hearty laugh to get through the day.

Being useful and convenient are imperative. I often watch whole industries miss this point.

Social Media Success Factor Two: Creativity

Creativity is natural for some people, but it can also be learned and cultivated.

In each of these historic instances of success, there was somebody … one person, who had an idea. They shared the idea with somebody else. Some encountered luck that they shared their idea with the right person with the right talent, but they all started with a single spark of creativity.

The people around the initial spark put fuel on it and blew it into a flame. The importance of creativity, and cultivating your creativity, should never be underestimated.

Talent is something that grows when you express it, and talent can have a huge cost. It is not easy, but if it was easy, everybody would do it. It is worth the effort if you are committed.

There are bright ideas sparking up around the world, every day. If your spark is not the brightest, it will be much harder to build a flame around it. When that is the case, the next step becomes even more important than ever.

Creativity Has Changed Since The Hampster Dance Debut

Do you remember Hampton and The Hampsters back in the 1990’s? They grew up and became more sophisticated!

Social Media Success Factor Three: Relationships

Relationships make or break social media success. The people truly are the most important piece of the big picture. Just as it happened in the days long before our exploration into Facebook Likes and Twitter retweets, people spread things they like and believe in. It happened this way with everything from religious and political beliefs to pet rocks and friendship pins.

This does not mean you need to make pals with everybody on the Internet. Social media marketing success is not just about making friends, but relationships are extremely important. When you communicate and get to know a few people who know a few people, it adds up. Those people who build good relationships often have things in common, including common interests and common thoughts.

If people like you, over time, they may begin to trust you. That can mean they trust your advice, your insights, and your motivations.

Relationships with people dictate a lot about the success or failure of anything in social media … on line, or the old school kind that happens around boardrooms, schools, churches, and elsewhere. The people are who decide if your spark will be fed, or die out in a flash. There are a lot of great ideas which meet the burdens of usefulness and creativity, but without good relationships, they usually don’t make it very far.

Sometimes the relationship is very loose and simple. For example, I wrote this, you read it, and maybe that is as far as our relationship has come so far. Over time, that may change. Maybe you will eventually feel comfortable to share this with others with your tweet, Facebook like, or reference it in your own blog.

The best relationships are a building process that happens over time … often many years. Trust can be improved upon and implied by longevity, but nothing really trumps good direct communications. Each relationship must start somewhere, so it is worth extending your hand. As relationships evolve, treating them like the treasure they really are is hugely important if you ever hope to encounter success.

By the way … if we have a good relationship, could you please tell somebody about me? I am currently looking for a new project to use my useful, creative, and relationship building abilities. If we don’t already have this level of relationship, my hand is extended. Please introduce yourself so we can get started.

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DIY Marketing: Who is Huffing Detergent at Ichabod LaundraBar?

Ichabod Laundry Marketing Hair and Drool

I don’t mind do-it-yourself (DIY) marketing efforts when the do-it-yourselfer is earnestly trying to make an impact. I sincerely try to help them with good tips and ideas. Let’s face it, though, it is easy to laugh at the majority of novice marketing efforts.

I can drone on about terrible marketing, but so much of it has already been said. I mean, I already tried to warn people with “7 Reasons Your Marketing Sucks“, and there are many really useful articles in my blog archive.

For some people, there is simply little future of a marketing career. Reading about it, talking about it, Facebooking about it, tweeting about it, and trying their very best will simply reflect the long-standing rules of survival of the fittest.

These are the creators of marketing efforts that make room for a new spot on Darwin’s evolutionary chart. You can call me a jerk for pointing them out, but pointing out weakness and explaining a better way ultimately serves a greater purpose. Besides just that, the marketing hall of shame is often good for a laugh. I find a lot of laughable examples online, and I will share some of them again, in case you missed these earlier articles. Each of them make good points about bad marketing.

Bloomingdale’s department stores: Will Bloomingdale’s Sue Over Meta Tags and a Link?
NASCAR race teams: NASCAR Start and Park Sponsorship is Marketing Absurdity
Fisker Automotive: Fisker Automotive Fisker Karma vs. Social Media Karma
The Wizard: Hiring SEO Tip: The Wizard Mutual Fund Management Cannot Bullshit Me!
Ray Skillman: Ray Skillman, Indianapolis Car Dealer Review: Bad Social Media and SEO
Suture Express: Suture Express Executives Scramble to Fix Lies
US Airways: Is US Airways Listening to Social Media? Are You Listening?.

Today, I submit Ichabod LaundraBar.

I respect the value of polarizing an audience and not trying to make everybody happy, but apparently some people think it means to just randomly turn away business without forethought or purpose.

Enter a Dog Infested “Ichabod LaundraBar”

What do you picture when you think about your laundry? Maybe a summer breeze blowing as your clothes hang on the line at the edge of a grassy meadow? Maybe nicely folded fluffy towels dropping one upon another in a perfectly lit studio re-enactment of your laundry day bliss? I guess some laundry detergent corporations try to promote that, but let’s use some brain cells, and let’s begin today!

Those paint a beautiful picture, but can you imagine all of those nasty bugs you will find in your pockets and the airborne dirt and pollen making your shirts look like crap? As for the glamor of those fluffy towels, if that looks so compelling, I welcome you to come and fold my laundry.

Let me tell you, we have a laundry company in my town that can take those bugs and airborne filth to a whole new level! They can make the vision of clean and fluffy towels and turn them into sour and musty rags that you found crumpled up behind a washing machine.

Branding Tip: Public Does Not See it Like You Do!

Really? Can the marketing of a company truly make that significant of a difference in consumer impression? Yes, my friends, it can … and it hit me with a nasty whiff of mildew and dog poo just moments ago when I witnessed the profile photo of a laundry bar Facebook Page that I would describe as a really nasty looking mouth-breathing hell hound.

Let me skip back a step. Have you heard of a laundry bar? It is the kind of place where college students can mingle in their worst laundry day attire, but they don’t mind, because they can also buy a cheap beer! I am sure that some of us who were around before the laundry bar concept can remember setting aside a cool pair of acid washed jeans and a nice Guess shirt before heading off for our laundry day humility, but there is no need for that today. At a laundry bar, the otherwise scrutinizing eyes of those sexy people around you will be blurred with suds of another sort. Beer!

What I just cannot wrap my mind around is how a dog logically fits into that picture. If it requires a story of how that dog safely landed an airliner full of laundry executives and saved hundreds of lives after the pilot died from ring around the collar, just to understand it, then it is not good branding.

Would You Market a Laundry Bar Like This?

In my opinion, they should be running some A/B comparison testing across various demographics between items such as follows:

A.) “Laundry Sucks: You may as well have a beer and shoot some pool.”

B.) “Hot Guys Do Laundry: This is where the ladies come to watch them do it!”

Then they could measure which ad achieved the greater response rate, and among which test demographic. Then they could begin to build a customer model to help guide their other marketing efforts more efficiently. No, that probably sounds too scientifickey and complex. That kind of thing is surely only useful for big Fortune 500 companies, right? That is not for this company, so they roll with the ghetto dog theme, instead.

I’m talking about a laundry bar. Better yet, a laundry bar across the street from a university. There is surely a better way to reach potential customers!

Finding your way in marketing and knowing how to rally the customers takes more than a quick moment at the computer. It should involve a lot of steps, including data collection, forecasting, psychographic modeling, and a lot more. The best results come with big portions of marketing talent and creativity.

Maybe they think their best target demographic places little value on cleanliness, or is at least very relaxed about it. Maybe they just didn’t think about it at all. As long as that is the case, they will probably do better to stick with the party crowd, and de-emphasize promoting their full-service laundry.

Ichabod LaundraBar Marketing Department Brilliance

This brings me to a point of how DIY marketing can take a huge fundamental turn toward failure. Many companies will see themselves in a totally blurred way. They think they know how others view their brand, but they screw it all up in their creatively destructive ways. In this case, it is a traditionally sacred space of college students … a laundry bar. They are pushing for a broadened market that has some money to spend. So, they seek busy people like me to drop off my clothes to be laundered, and then pick them up later. That is great, but we have about a squillion places in town that offer laundry services. This is the only one that gives me the strong impression that my laundry may come back with more filth than when I dropped it off.

Ichabod LaundraBar Wants to Wash Your Clothes ... Woof!

I may be the minority here. I have not done the market research for this company, and I don’t know them at all. I am just an outside observer, just like anybody else who encounters them. However, it seems pretty clear to me that a smiling bartender serving a box of detergent and a mug of beer is a whole lot more appealing than promoting clean laundry with a hairy, drooling, mouth-breathing hell hound. To me, that is extremely repulsive, regardless of how cuddly, loving, sweet smelling, clean, and obedient that dog is … it is a DOG! Even to dog lovers, it still surely feels a lot less clean than their own dog’s slobber, hair, dander, and poo.

In my opinion, putting a big hairy slobbering dog on a Facebook Page promoting clean laundry makes about as much sense as a Doberman having a love affair with a Chihuahua. It not only paints a picture of absurdity, it cannot be a very productive relationship.

A Better Approach to Facebook Marketing
I wrote a nice four step plan for Facebook marketing. It covered the steps of creating a Facebook Page, customer modeling, promoting, and growing awesomeness. It does not include random placement of dog photos. Here you go:

Facebook Marketing: Pages, Customer Modeling, Promoting, and Awesomeness

Effective DIY Marketing Requires Thinking Before Doing!

Why do companies still try to do their own marketing without at least thinking before they click? I may never understand it, but I welcome even the worst marketers to subscribe and learn, before they end up with people who are not as nice as me to explain things. People may call me a bastard, a jerk, a prick, or an ass for pointing things out this way. What they will likely never notice is that my saying it is a whole lot kinder than the way others point it out. They don’t say a word about it, and they simply take their money somewhere else. In this case, somewhere more hygienic.

People who believe that simply putting their company name on Facebook is a good idea, without any marketing strategy that is defined beyond “tell more people” or “make more money” are exactly why I very seldom work with small companies. Far too many small companies are doomed to remain small, simply because they are too impatient, apathetic, or their thinking is otherwise crippled.

OK, dog lovers … go ahead and tell me how brilliant it is and why you think the dog is so damn adorable. Your comments are welcome.

UPDATE: I heard form the owner of Ichabod LaundraBar and had a nice chat. She let me know that the dog is not a resident of the laundry bar, but just a mascot.

I wish them the best, and I hope they will feel free to reach out for some free ideas anytime.

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A Facebook Birthday Wish for My Dear Friend

Your Facebook Birthday Cake

So you are getting older, and you decided to let all of your Facebook friends, strangers, and stalkers know about it. You showed up in my Facebook birthday notifications, and I was faced with the recurring dilemma of whether to join the mob who was blasting your wall with flimsy and predictable wishes like “Happy Birthday!!!!!!111” or to just ignore it so my other friends don’t get their little Facebookey feelings hurt because I blew off their birthday last week … while I was doing something more fun than they were.

I started to think of how to wish you a very personal happy birthday on Facebook, but then my creativity was just not there. When I sat down to start your birthday wish, it got a little too rhymey and cutesey with the luck, the duck, and the way I describe a person of your age. Besides, I noticed that your friends seem to be a lot more wholesome than you are. They would probably look at you totally differently if I whipped out one of your old birthday pics, like the one with the g-string incident and beer can pyramid.

Oh, Am I Late? I Didn’t Forget Your Birthday … I Skipped It!

I was never so good at remembering birthdays in my head. My mother is awesome at that, but it didn’t pass down to me in the genetics. She also uses up a bunch of paper by sending old fashioned birthday cards, yeah, mother is crazy, I know!

Thank goodness for technology. I was able to export my Facebook birthdays to my Google Calendar, so your birthday showed up in my home screen calendar widget on my Android phone. It is really cool that you can export Facebook birthdays, but it makes me even more of a jerk for ignoring all of those other birthdays.

The thing is, I could come up with about a squillion good excuses that I didn’t send you a birthday card, write something personal on your Facebook Wall, or at least click “Like” on somebody else’s meaningful birthday wish. The truth is that I just skipped it.

I really like you and all, but you share the same birthday as Prakeesh in India and Hal from Pennsylvania, and since I don’t actually know Prakeesh and Hal, I didn’t want to rock the boat by devoting my moment of birthday wishing to only you. You cannot really hate me for that, can you? I mean, I was just trying to be considerate of others’ feelings.

In order to try and make good on a losing dilemma, I decided to try and give you what you really wanted from your Facebook friends all along. So here it is … a cute kitten, a pound of bacon, a hunky guy, a hot chick, an adorable baby, and a birthday cake. If that is not enough, here is an extra bonus unicorn for you.

Facebook Birthday Wishes for My Dear Friend

I would have sent you some kind of foofy and frilly junk from Farmville, but all I found on my plot of land was a bunch of withered corn and chicken corpses.

Whether you are happy because you are a year closer to legal drinking age (damn you for being so young), or upset because your adult diaper is now a regular part of your “birthday suit” (damn you for being so experienced), I hope this will make you happy, while appeasing all of those disgruntled Facebook friends I have ignored.

Did You Skip a Facebook Birthday, Too?

If you have a Facebook friend that you feel bad for neglecting, I welcome you to share this birthday wish with them, to explain your dilemma and make them smile again. You can even tag them in your comments below if you are feeling extra lousy about it.

Photo Credits:
Mario Cake by Mad Eliza’s Cakes and Confections, Topeka, Kansas
Basement Kitten on Bench by Lachlan Rogers via Flickr
This is NOT Real by Jason and Kehly via Flickr
Hot Chick by Joe Marinaro via Flickr

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